It Always Takes Two To Tango

When something bad happens, like your loved one suddenly leave you, do you really think that you are a victim?

Sometimes I like to think life as a school where I learn about certain things through experience. And like any other school, there are several compulsory subjects to take. These are subjects that will aim specifically to enhance growth by experiencing pain and sufferings like illness, a breakup, job loss, and many others. And it’s very normal and common to think ourselves as victims especially because we think pain is a one way action. Take a breakup for example. A breakup often initiated by one person in a relationship and it most likely hurt the other one involved. But if we take a closer look at the problem then we will be able to say ‘it takes two to tango.’

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I myself just got out of an unhealthy long-term relationship with a guy. We were together for almost six years until one day he disappeared just like that. I remember we still talked on the phone one evening and the next day he stopped answering my calls, replying my text and until now I have no idea about his whereabouts. Four months after he left, I then decided to stop trying to reach him. Knowing that wasn’t the first time he disappeared during our 5 years together, I made up my mind that enough is enough. I couldn’t stand treated like that any longer. I thought I’d been giving him too much liberty to come and go without notice all this time. Even if it’s final, I still thought I deserved an explanation.

Since then, I spent years thinking myself as a victim of this relationship. Until one day I was able to overcome the pain, the anger and resentments then I could see this problem more objectively. Even though I still don’t know the reason why he ended the relationship like that, I’m sure I contribute something to the breakup. It could be the lack of communications, lack of understanding, or too much compromising, or anything. One thing I learn from this is, thinking myself as a victim doesn’t help at all. It was only prolong the pain and made me stuck in a rut. But when I took the responsibility and admit that I might also did something that make the other person end the relationship, I felt more empowered and I was able to pull myself together faster.

That’s life. No matter how hard you try to hold on to something, if that is never meant to be yours it won’t stay. So, yes a breakup hurts like hell especially if it’s a good relationship that gone sour. But when you get over it you’ll know the sweetness of this saying “Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours”.

Also posted in: http://healthmad.com/mental-health/it-always-takes-two-to-tango/#ixzz1kFNPhlnd

When Life Teaches Me to Bend

Do you have plan for the next 5 or 10 years from now? What is your goal for the next 5 years? What do you want to be? What have you been doing in order to get there?

When I was in my mid twenties, I could provide long answers to those questions. I would excitedly – in a story telling manner— tell my plans, my goals and my efforts in order to achieve my dreams. It used to be a long narration, very thorough, full of emotion and for sure it always had perfectly happy endings.

Now, on the way to get 30 within one month, the same Qs most likely to be answered with a smile and a short ‘I don’t know’. Not because I’ve lost hope along the way of getting older, but simply because I’ve made my own preference in how I live my life.

This preference is the result of the endless struggle of one high achiever that had been living her days to the fullest (according to her). Day by day colored with a long-list dreams waiting to be fulfilled, strategic plans on how to gain much more from life and although 80% of her desires were already at her hands still she wanted more form life…oh yeah she’s one ambitious and a meany life exploiter. She knew she’s good at it. She knew if she pushed her self to the limit she could even own the planet. Friends adored her achievement and hard works. Her courage and unlimited talents made a job hopping from one to another world wide company a piece of cake. There was no single company that was not on the top list of international business player listed in her CV. Employers put their trust on her shoulders. She enjoyed the acknowledgement. She enjoyed the fam and glam in the world of power.  She was having a ball for some 5 continuous years until some life-changing events happened from one to another. She started experiencing the low tides of life and slowly but sure she hit the bottom.

Funny the way life teaches this stubborn soul to bend. I then realize that some things in life can’t be tamed. There are things in life that are beyond my control. This life changing event started with the breaking up of my 6 years relationship with I-thought-the-best boyfriend-I-ever-had. The break up was painful and bitter because the relationship had actually been dying for the last 3 years but knowing how stubborn I was, I kept on trying to fix it here and there till I had no stamina left to keep it going. Letting this go was a great struggle yet something inside me told me that it’s time to let go.Then while trying to live my broken hearted life normally, almost a year after the break up, I lost my father. He died during napping at home. Now I lost two most respectable men in my life. What could be worse than that?

A few months later, still in mourning and brokenhearted mode, something happened in the place I work and I had to face the most outrageous office politics. I could no longer recognize friends and colleagues from back stabbers. And I had no energy left to juggle between professionalism and some group’s dirty office drama. No matter how hard I tried to recall the nice things happened during my employment there I still couldn’t find the appetite to stay.  I even remembered how enthusiastic I was when I joined the company. That day, my head was full of promising dreams and I was so sure I would work there for a long long time. And this too didn’t successfully make me stay. I was exhausted. I felt so worn out in hanging on to all of these things. This too had showed me that some things didn’t always turn out as I planned. On October 2010, with no plan on future job at hands or whatsoever, I handed out my resignation letter which shocked not only the whole management but also my family and friends.

The first thought came up when I woke up one morning on my first ‘unemployed’ day was this: I need to heal myself. So I dedicate the first three months allowing my self to let out all the repressed emotions. I allowed myself to grief for the loss of my father, my failing romance and my failing career. I let out huge amount of anger, self-pity, disappointments, resentment and still this well of emotions seems bottomless. The more I let it out the more I was shown. I let out anger and resentment then I found sadness. Later when I let out sadness I found disappointments. And all this things didn’t come only from recent hurts. I realized some painful memories from my childhood also came to the surface. Geez… so I’ve been storing them all within all this time.

Three months for sure is not enough. When I realize I had too much to keep inside, I decided not to put deadlines for this healing process. The emotional release and painful memories resurfacing had led me to depression, anxiety and panic attacks. It made me feel so insecure even to leave the house by my self. I was so sure that I needed to be treated in a ward. But God is still good and life is still loving even in the most tormenting life transformation like this, I’m still blessed with few loving souls who understand what I’ve been through. They didn’t think I got insane. They thought I’ve been through some life transformation process or spiritual emergency. I’m blessed with supportive people who among others are a psychologist, an intuitive healer, a visual art teacher. They teach me to meditate to calm myself, they help me using art as an outlet, they motivate me to keep on living no matter how hard it gets. I’m blessed with a family who patiently taking care of me and treat me like a normal person while I myself felt almost crazy due to the depressing internal turmoil. They all help me to accept and love myself as I am and life as it is. I’m still blessed with some freelancing jobs that can be done from home. I feel as if God wanted my healing process to be as convenient as possible.

So now here I am. Feeling much better and always feel thankful for every single ups and downs in my days, knowing it’s part of the healing process and it’s all well.  Even though it’s slow, but in the slowness itself I can see many tiny nuances and miracles appear along the way. So what would I become in the next five years? I don’t know and I don’t really care :)

The Word Love

Don’t we give too much credit for the word ‘love’? Recently I find myself in a state of infatuated by an old flame. I’ve spent years trying to define the feelings I have for this person. Yet love seems overrated when it juxtaposes with infatuation. Being so human, I realize I have the tendency to jump quickly into a conclusion and calling such feelings as love. Before I write further, let me just break down what kind of feelings I have whenever I interact with this old flame. 

As far as I can remember this particular person’s “hi” can always draw a wide smile not only in my heart but literally in my face. And it lasts for days. And I usually end up feeling sick because of the butterflies I feel in my tummy that also can last up to three days. And if we got a chance to talk or even meet up I usually feel this wave of energy that can instantly turn me from a lazy bump into an energizer bunny. It’s almost feel like you were a rocket launched to the sky in a speed of sound. Or to make it less dramatic, you can think of fireworks. That’s how I feel whenever I talk to him on the phone or on the line. And if this happens, you can expect to see me jumping, dancing and singing in my room. I got no choice. The chemistry is too strong and the energy is too overwhelming that if I just sit through it I could explode like a grenade.

With the fireworks and all, a close friend and I agree to name this kind of feelings the independence-day-celebration-feelings. Alright we reach that point now, naming the feelings. This is definitely not a mere crush for I’ve been feeling like this for more than a decade. But to jump into conclusion by naming it love, I find it too much because I only see him once in a while and not to mention that our relationship is dominated only with cozy conversations and passionate make outs. Unlike with my ex boyfriend, I realize I grow no compassion or affection towards this old flame.

In a rough, it’s the convenience of companionship that glues us together and the sex is just a bonus. Once I actually tried to consider this feeling as love. Then look what I made myself into. I ended up lost in confusion for the image of the ideal love in my head didn’t seem to match the reality in front of my eyes. For me, to label some feelings as love, I need to feel among others these things below:

1. I need to feel loved
2. I need to feel compassion and affection toward the person
3. I need to need him and feel needed
4. I need to feel accepted the way I am
5. I need to be able to see him as my future husband or the father of my future kids
6. I need to feel okay with his best and worst

And yes, I still believe in love that gives you the magical sensation right away when you interact with that person (highlight this: interacting, not just by gazing into each other’s eyes). I mean, I'm aware that there are times when love can be grown and nurtured but personally I choose to believe something effortless is meant to be.

Back to the check list. The reality only gives me number 4&5, the rest remain absence until now. So, I become more careful in labeling feelings as love. But shall we put the blame on the limited verbal expression that we humans become so get used to call any kind of extra ordinarily pleasant feelings we have toward the opposite gender as love?

So yeah, I guess I will stick with the independence-day-celebration-feelings. For me, it's somehow lighter than love yet it explains the whole bodily and emotional sensation I experience. Who knows it might also safe me from a whole lot heart-breaking-drama caused by the misleading assumption towards love.

The Loner in Me

It's been almost a year since I start working from home. What I love the most from quitting office life is the plenty of time I have in my hands to spend with my own self. Being alone with the self may be a scary thing for some people. But for me, it's just like a golden opportunity to explore and get to know myself better. I can even say that I become busier when being left alone as I will try to experiment with so many things and start to make use all the skills and knowledge I have. By being alone I have the chance to dig in deeper and meet the part of me who is an intuitive artist, the dancer, the chef, the animal lover, the whimsy and many other talented characters that have been left unknown all this time due to the hustle and bustle of daily life. 

Lately, I've been faced with the side of me that is easily annoyed and distracted by the presence of bunch of people.This annoyance has been going on for quite sometimes and somewhat makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Then I decided to sit and question myself, what is it actually that has been bugging me whenever I'm intensely interacting with some people.

So I dig in the most private territory of my self. The soft spot where honesty is highly required. Why? because I decide to explore some weak spot of mine. And there I meet myself who is a loner. I never thought I have this side in myself, knowing I can do well working and socializing in a large group of people and I also enjoy attending gatherings and parties. Then again, like I said, honesty is highly required here. A large group of acquaintances doesn't justify anything in me. I try to recall some socializing patterns I have since I was small.Yes, I do have many friends and they also enjoy my company but let's see how many of them can be categorized as close friends? The number will not be more than 10. And yes I do enjoy attending parties and gathering. But let's be honest here, how long I can stand hanging around in one's party or a gathering? I have to admit, I usually excuse myself after spending two hours there. The more I can admit this to myself, the more I can recall so many indicators that relate to this loner of me.

I’m not that kind of person who enjoys interacting with a large group of friends. As far as I can remember, since in the elementary school I only kept one or three at the most companion a.k.a best friends around. And one is actually sufficient enough for me to function normally in life. So with this very small number of best friends, I’ve been living life quite joyfully like you can imagine. From the outside, people may think I have so many friends and live an active social life. You can expect to meet me hanging out with four to six people at a café on Friday afternoon or attending a community gathering in a cozy dining place along with the other 20 persons on some Saturday morning. In addition to that, you can also expect to see more than 500 people in my facebook friend list. All of these can easily make people think that I’m enjoying the crowd. Well, that’s not the case. I do have a lot of friends and know many people who also happen to be social butterflies but that doesn’t mean I’m one of them.

The real person inside is quite an introvert and sensitive. She has too much going on already in her head thus being in a crowd with such stimuli can at least exhaust her or lead her to anxiety attack at the worst. She would prefer to spend her time mostly by herself and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like people. She enjoys a companion or two and would prefer hanging out with those who appreciate the balance of talking and listening. She would love to spend time with friends who can mind their own business and just enjoy each others’ company without having to be trapped in an endless complicated conversation or to change her role from a friend into a therapist.

So here I am. Getting to know the loner in me. Not an easy thing for I've been living believing that I'm just like any other people who enjoy the crowds and thinking that a successful social life is one that is merry and noisy. No worries, it's just a matter of self acceptance. And I believe this journey within will only bring me the highest goods and take me closer to my true self and then what else can you ask more from life?

In Memoriam Of Him

Me and my father during Idul Fitri. I was about 3yrs old

I wish I could feel your kiss one more. I wish I could still kiss your hand so you know you own my highest respect. I wish I never took you so seriously. I wish I just let down my pride and let my self laugh to all your jokes. I wish I let you hug me. I wish I hugged you more often. I wish I could say that I’m always proud of you. I wish I could say yes to all of your requests. I wish you knew how I always enjoy traveling just with you. I wish you knew you were like a hero to me. I wish you knew you never an old man to my eyes. I wish you knew I never meant to hurt you. I wish you knew how much I always try to make you proud of me and happy. I wish you knew all this, dear father. And I wish you were here

Ketika Saya Hanya Melihat Ke Luar

Tuhan dan alam semesta selalu punya cara untuk buktikan pada kita bahwa kita dicintai. Setidaknya itu yang selalu saya rasakan. Mungkin banyak orang kaget jika tahu kalimat ini meluncur dari dalam hati saya. Saya tak salahkan kekagetan itu. Saya mengerti tak sedikit orang yang memiliki first impression atau bahkan second, third dan seterusnya tak begitu manis tentang saya. Jika bisa dipersentasekan secara subjektif kira-kira akan seperti ini:

50% berimpresi saya sebagai perempuan judes ,galak, pemarah yang lebih sering terlihat heavyhearted atau bahkan ‘dark’

30% berimpresi saya adalah perempuan sombong, penyendiri dan punya aura mengintimidasi

10% berimpresi saya adalah perempuan manja, kekanak-kanakkan, tak punya tata krama

10%  berimpresi saya adalah perempuan unik yang punya pikiran jauh lebih dewasa dari umur saya, menenangkan, perasa, penyayang, pemberani, pemimpi.

Dan sudah pasti, ketiga urutan teratas sangat ingin saya berubah menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik. Sayapun mengerti itu. Mungkin kalau saya dihadapkan dengan seseorang seperti diri saya, saya juga masuk di salah satu ketiga urutan itu. Sebegitu banyaknya orang yang mengharuskan saya merubah diri agar bisa jadi orang yang seseuai selera mereka, sebegitu besarnya jumlah orang yang menganggap saya terlalu banyak memiliki sifat negatif hingga saya percaya saya bukan orang yang menyenangkan. Saya percaya bahwa saya penuh dengan kegetiran, amarah, kekecewaan, iri hati, dan kompleks. Saya percaya bahwa saya adalah sosok dengan pribadi yang sulit. Kepercayaan ini mungkin sudah tertanam sejak kecil namun baru 3 tahun terakhir ini sepertinya hidup ingin saya menyadari bahwa false belief ini sudah sangat kronis. Kenapa saya bilang false? Ya karena ternyata semua keliru. Ternyata meski secara kuantitas impresi yang buruk-buruk tadi cukup besar, secara kualitas tak berarti apa-apa.

Hari ini, seperti hari-hari lainnya saat saya merasa hidup saya terjun bebas atau terpuruk, lagi-lagi Tuhan dan semesta dengan cara uniknya mengingatkan saya bahwa diri saya tak seburuk itu. Caranya memang ada-ada saja. Dimulai dari pagi hening yang saya nikmati bersama kucing kesayangan ditemani secangkir teh manis panas di ruang tamu. Pagi ini hujan deras, saya memutar lagu ceria untuk membangkitkan semangat. Mendadak saya mendengar suara pintu mobil di depan rumah ditutup. Saya tahu itu mobil tetangga namun entah kenapa pagi ini dalam hati saya spontan berkata “ah..papa sudah pulang.” Untuk sepersekian detik saya merasa kemurungan saya hilang, saya menoleh ke pagar dan sadar…papa saya kan sudah meninggal.  Tanpa saya sangka, saat itu juga air mata saya bergulir sederas hujan di luar. Ini bukan tangisan sedih. Ini tangisan haru karena untuk beberapa detik saya merasa beliau benar-benar ada dan sangat dekat…dan saya hampir yakin, beliau ada untuk saya. Saya  berterima kasih pada Tuhan. Di keheningan saya berbisik, “Papa, terima kasih sudah datang. Ria janji akan kuat. Ria akan baik-baik aja.”

Puas menangis karena haru dan rindu. Saya memutuskan untuk yoga. Meski separuh hati karena sedang tidak enak badan, saya paksakan juga. Anehnya pagi ini kedua kucing saya yang saling bermusuhan sama-sama masuk ke kamar dan duduk tenang di sisi kanan dan di depan saya. Mereka berpose ala Sphinx, sangat tenang dan rileks mengawasi saya. Dan ternyata ditengah-tengah yoga saya berpikir yang tidak-tidak hingga lupa bernapas teratur dan menjadi pusing. Melihat kedua kucing ini pikiran saya kembali ke momen ini. Saya merasa dijaga.

Lalu di sore hari, seorang sobat lama online di yahoo messenger. Kami jarang sekali bisa bertemu secara online karena kesibukan kami masing-masing. Sore ini  kami ngobrol tapi kali ini saya lebih banyak mendengarkan. Kali ini bukan karena ingin beratensi, namun lebih karena tak ingin cerita tentang keadaan hidup yang menurut saya tak patut dibanggakan. Sobat saya ini meski tahu keadaan saya, dia seperti tak memerdulikannya.

Kata-kata pertama yang dia ketik adalah “I’m reading your blog! Luv it! I always love ur writing. It just gets better with time like wine they say.”

“I thought your writing are very soothing to read.  U have this serene atmosphere in ur writing. It doesn’t sound desperate or pathetic at all. It’s just very mature and wise. I cannot sense anger at all …no.. if I can say it, I think you’ve healed, forgiven and loving ur self each moment. Very peaceful.  Like…unicorn. “

Dan saya balas dengan ikon senyuman. Dia bukan orang yang suka basa basi. Dia orang yang kejujurannya juga bisa terdengar brutal. Yang buruk akan dibilang buruk dan yang baik akan dibilangnya baik. Jadi ketika dia katakan ini semua…ya…seperti ada perban sejuk diletakkan di seluruh tubuh yang penuh memar ini.

Dia adalah salah satu orang di kelompok persentase terbawah. Dalam keadaan saya seburuk apapun, dia adalah salah satu dari sedikit orang yang bisa melihat diri saya seperti Tuhan dan semesta melihat saya. Penuh cinta yang tak terkondisikan, penuh maaf. Ketika saya terlalu sering melihat ke luar dan terlalu banyak mendengarkan kata orang hingga lupa siapa saya sebenarnya seperti saat ini, saya dibantuNya untuk ingat. Melalui sahabat saya dan hal lain yang terjadi hari ini, saya ingat lagi…betapapun terasa beratnya beban hidup, saya adalah jiwa yang cahayanya tak akan pernah padam. Jiwa yang dicintai dan dijaga hidupnya. Jiwa yang sempurna dan berharga. Dan semoga pengalaman ini nantinya dapat membuat saya melihat diri saya dan juga orang lain seperti Tuhan melihat saya. Penuh cinta yang tak terkondisikan.

Hidupi Di Momen Ini

Beberapa hari lalu saya lihat-lihat koleksi foto lama. Jumlahnya lumayan banyak, mungkin sampai ratusan. Untuk saya, tiap momen sedih maupun senang, selalu layak diabadikan. Dulu hobi ini sempat mengulik pikiran saya sendiri…kenapa ya kok saya hobi sekali memfoto tiap momen di hidup ini. Tak peduli jika saat itu saya sedang sedih atau marah atau apalah yang mungkin orang lain bilang tak layak difoto, I just love to capture it.

Kembali ke lihat-lihat koleksi foto. Saya tak sangka punya perasaan seperti ini : Betapa saya telah menyia-nyiakan waktu dengan terlalu sibuk memikirkan hal lain.

Saat menatap satu foto saya yang sedang tersenyum lelah di taman kantor saya yang lama, saya jadi berpikir, waktu foto itu diambil saya pasti sedang berharap untuk bisa cepat pulang dari kantor.

Waktu begitu cepat pergi. Andai saat foto itu diambil saya tak berpikir hal-hal lain tapi menikmati saja kelelahannya waktu itu..andai waktu itu saya tahu saya akan merasakan kehilangan momen seperti saat ini…

Lalu foto yang lain lagi…foto ketika saya di bali tersenyum puas ditengah teman-teman tersayang. Saya tahu persis arti senyum itu. Saya tersenyum karena ingin menunjukkan akhirnya saya bisa melawan rasa takut saya akan terbang dengan pesawat, ingin menunjukkan akhirnya saya berpergian dan bersenang-senang seperti orang normal lainnya. Senyum yang seakan berkata “look at me…I can be happy too”. Ketika saya lihat foto itu, saya jadi berpikir, andai saja saat itu saya hanya tersenyum karena menikmati semua berkah. Tersenyum tanpa motif apa-apa. Tersenyum karena mencintai hidup apa adanya. Oh dear…betapa banyak momen yang hilang begitu saja karena pikiran ini terus menerus melihat keluar. Betapa banyak berkah dan pelajaran hidup yang mungkin saya lewatkan karena pikiran ini tak pernah mau diam, memerhatikan  dan ikut menikmati.

Pagi ini saya terbangun dikejutkan oleh berita duka yang datangnya dari seorang selebriti ibukota. Aktor muda yang juga politisi itu wafat semalam. Saya bukan penggemar berat dia. Namun selalu, berita kematian siapapun…apalagi sejak insiden koleksi foto itu, membuat saya merasakan kedukaan yang mendalam. Menyayangkan mengapa orang semuda itu harus pergi secepat ini. Menyayangkan keluarga yang ditinggalkan. Menyayangkan apa dia juga kehilangan banyak momen di hidup ini. Lalu saya bertanya pada diri sendiri dalam hati, apa saya akan terus memikirkan hal lain di luar hidup saya sendiri dan diri saya sampai tiba saatnya nanti untuk pergi?

Semoga detik ini juga saya bisa memusatkan perhatian saya penuh untuk momen ini. Semoga mulai detik ini saya mampu mengatakan hal yang selalu ingin saya katakan tanpa perlu cemas memikirkan pendapat orang lain. Semoga mulai detik ini saya bisa melakukan apa yang saya inginkan tanpa takut akan penilaian orang lain. Semoga mulai detik ini saya selalu ingat untuk hanya hidup di momen saat ini..live in the present karena ya hanya momen ini yang saya punya…saya tak pernah tahu kapan momen selanjutnya akan datang atau tidak sama sekali.

Di pesawat, di tengah-tengah teman tersayang

Sekarang pun saya mengerti kenapa orang selalu senang dengan istilah "the good old days". Karena betapapun getirnya saat ini, ketika kita sudah melewatinya melangkah jauh di depan dan menoleh lagi ke belakang, kegetiran itu tak ada artinya. Yang tertinggal hanya kenangan. Yang tertinggal hanyalah pengalaman yang memperkaya hidup kita. Pahit dan manisnya tak lagi penting.

2/5/2011