Buih Pikiran #1

Jangankan menyapamu

Memikirkanmu saja tak lagi ku mampu

kuharap rindu ini lamat-lamat sirna

Tak lagi beratkan kalbuku

———-

Rasa ini masih saja menghimpit

Entah siapa dan apa lagi kali ini

Yang akan kupersalahkan

———-

Waktu merangkak lambat

Sabar terus kurentang

Duduk diam bukan hal mudah

Ketika pikiran dan kenangan

Tiada ampun

Mengeroyok nurani

———-

Terlalu banyak ragu

Merantai sayapku

Aku belum siap

Aku benci diburu-buru

———-

Masih ada hari esok

Jika hari ini terlewatkan

Dan hampa itu menganga

Ingatlah terus

Tak ada yang sia-sia

Tak ada yang perlu dikejar

Tak ada kata terlambat

 ———-

Ternyata rasa itu bukan cinta

Ternyata yang kurasa adalah favoritisme

kau adalah eskapisme

Saat kebosanan hampakan waktuku

Saat dunia penatkan benakku

Saat hormon bulanan merongrong emosiku

Saat segalanya menjadi terlalu

Kau katarsis favoritku

Bring Back The Child's Confidence

Children always fascinate me. Most of the time when I forget the true inborn quality of human, I just have to look at little children. They are cheerful, full of curiosity, expressive, loud, innocence and fearless. They don’t have much worries and fears like adults. But unfortunately, I meet many parents, out of their ignorance, transmit their worries and fears to their kids and these little children can start to have worries and fears as early as the age of 3. In addition to that, it’s very common that the society want them not to make mistakes. While making mistakes is actually an important process to grow. 

Every weekend, I teach my neighbor’s little daughter to read and write for one and half hour. She’s six years old. She’s so timid, shy and very quite. In our first meetings, I needed to put extra efforts to just to communicate with her. Whenever I asked a question, she responded by nodding or shrugging. When she found difficulties in writing a word, she would just sit and stared at her paper blankly for a long time. When we tried to read a word together, I could only hear her whisper. But when I asked her to repeat after me, she would just move her lips without any sound.

Today, before starting the lesson, I decided to ask her to do some artsy. I know she likes to draw using color pencils and crayons, so this time I asked her to join me painting with acrylic paint. Her eyes got bigger when she saw piles of small color tubes on the floor. I could sense her excitement. I only taught her how to mix certain colors and let her do the rest. I let her know that she’s free to use all the brushes and paints here and she didn’t have to worry to be messy or to create something ugly. There’s no ugly art for me. Whenever she hesitated, she would look at me asking for approval if her painting was okay. And I would assure her that she could paint anything on that paper. That she’s allowed to be as creative as she could be. Then not long after she started painting, she became talkative. She asked many questions like how to make pink color or how to clean the brush or how to make a flower and why she needed water to paint, etc. It was wonderful to finally see her actively into something and to finally listen to her cute voice enthusiastically asking many things. And it didn’t stop there. During our writing and reading lessons, she spelled the words loudly and when she made mistakes, she laughed and repeated with the correct ones. We really had a good time today. The hard works and efforts got paid. And I hope she will never lose her confidence anymore.  

Read more: http://gameolosophy.com/games/bring-back-the-childs-confidence/#ixzz1kAEcuGYv

When I Start Painting

 I’m not a professional or an amateur artist who has passion in painting or visual art. I’m just an ordinary person who doesn’t know much about art especially about painting techniques. When friends who happened to know more about visual art browsed my paintings and said This one looks beautiful or Your art is pretty or Hey, you have a style like those naïve paintings artists, you could expect me responding them with a thanks and big grin. It's always nice when others can appreciate your creation. And it feels good especially when they can enjoy it because to be honest, I know my painting is messy because I never learn how to paint and I paint to please myself and never thought that others would like it.

 

I started painting about one and a half year ago. I was inspired to give it a shot after I read some articles about healing with art. Started small and shy just like a new kid at school, my first piece was made out of water color pencils. Then I tried to be more adventurous by combining color pencils with oil pastels. The result was decent. I liked what I created. Then one day a friend of mine who’s also an art teacher suggested me to be more willing to experiment and express myself with those two coloring tools. She showed me how to create pretty colors by blending the oil pastels using my fingers. It was fun. It was dirty but it was fun. For months, I fell in love with this oil pastels blending and smudging on papers. I could create up to three paintings or drawings a day.  

After that, the same friend told me to try to start using acrylic paint. I felt nervous and the gremlin inside my head started to raise its voice. Do u really think u can paint that well? Do you consider yourself an artist that you think you can paint with real paint?. My friend sensed this hesitation and she laughed and said Don’t worry, I believe every body can paint. You just have to let the artist within to take charge. So there I was, bracing myself to go to the nearest art store and bought one set of acrylic paint, three different sizes of paint brush and one water color pad. I went home with a shopping bag full of artsy things and of course, enthusiasm. Like a child that ready to explore new toys, I took them out of the shopping bag and started to paint. Apparently, I enjoyed mixing and combining many colors into my paper. Without even realizing, I’ve painted more than 50 painting in a year.

There’s always the first time for everything. After getting used to paint on watercolor pad, one day I felt quiet ready to strike my brush on a canvas. Again, there’s this little voice full of bully telling me that painting on a canvas would be such a waste of money especially because I’m not a professional artist so why would I even bother buying a canvas. I should’ve felt happy enough with a paper. But I knew this words were bogus and I encouraged myself to paint on a canvas anyway. Luckily, my friend had some used canvas and she didn’t mind if I used them. And surprisingly, they were huge. So I re-painted these huge canvases white and started painting on it. And it was sooo nice. I never knew painting in a huge media could make me feel so free. The full movement of my hand, the rich amount of the paints that color whatever media I used for painting,  the strike and pressure of the brush in my hand, the whole process felt more like a dance to me. I’m satisfied and pleased. It’s not really about the painting, I guess it’s the process that makes me feel good. I think the same thing with life. It’s the journey that we enjoy, not the destination.

Joy Is Not Selfish, Suffering Is

This is my first post in 2012. I've been absence quite a while from this blog due to some private stuff going on. Ok, I admit, it was due to small emotional disturbance that unfortunately took bigger part of my days away. Alright, it was big...it was a big, unbearable, challenging, exhausting emotional issue. So challenging that I even started to think if it might be the time to surrender to anti depressant pills.

 Anyway, apparently some friends also share the same issues these days. Some have been feeling unusually mellow, others told me they felt a bit more restless and sensitive than usual, so even though the state is milder but it's there. The restlessness has been in the air nearing the year end. As in my case, a HSP and Empath, it got worse since it was also my pms moment

I felt so overwhelmed especially because I got some deadlines to meet. So there I was, uptight and anxious and struggling my way to peace and serenity for the sake of the responsibilities at hands. But I got familiar with this pattern. I'm quite aware that whenever I'm in the state of totally sensitive in which small stimuli can easily trigger anxiety attack, universe showering me with works. So yeah, the last two months had been quite a smooth ride with no so serious emotional issues, yet with no job offers around too. In other words, I was happy but broke. But the past 2 weeks, things turned totally different. I've been not so happy, in fact, I've been feeling terrible and suddenly 3 job offers came out of the blue making me a complete busy and overwhelmed lady.

So while trying to finish all the translation and writing jobs, I discussed my problems with some friends and we all came up with one conclusion: it might be the collective anticipation and restlessness in entering 2012. It could be true or not. Whatever d cause of my emotional disturbance was, it really hit me to the ground. I couldn't stand the mood swings, the unstoppable racing thoughts, the mellowness that I thought the best way to stay calm was to stay away from as much people as I could. Yet the idea of being a loner in last days of December 2011 didn't sound fun at all. Still, deep down I really wished I could be like others, enjoying the year end together with loved ones. 

So the clock was ticking. It was nearing the year end. I really hoped I got a lil' piece of inner peace to be able to count down the time together with my family. Yet the restlessness wouldn't just go away. I was torn between the thought of spending the whole night being alone in my room to avoid more stimuli from the crowd or joining my family having fun till the count down time and celebrating the changing years.  


I usually would take the first option in similar situation. But I didn't know why that night the urge to ignore all anxiety symptoms seemed to win myself. So despite of the short breathing, the tightness in the chest, the restlessness, I decided to join my family watching this stand up comedy show on TV just 2 hours before 2012. I had a good laugh. Yet I still had the anxiety. But again the more I could enjoy myself thru the night the more I got relaxed. And suddenly I could just accept this anxiety. Suddenly even though the symptoms were still there, they didn't bother me anymore. I kinda felt I could detach from it and it wasn't a biggie anymore.

So I did the count down along with other family member. I even joined them sitting outside watching the fireworks. The cheer from the family next door made me smile. The sound of laughters made me feel one with them. I could feel the air was full of joy. And at that moment I didn't care anymore about my anxiety. All I wanted to do was savoring the moment. My heart got warm whenever I saw the fireworks bursted out in the night sky, knowing I shared the same joy with millions of people accross the nation, knowing despite all d hardships we had last year we could still stand tall and whispered hopes for better days ahead. Knowing we're all in this together.

And I felt really grateful to be able to rest my attention fully to the celebration, making the restlessness less significant. Had I let all the symptoms occupied me, I would have stayed in the room, missed the fun and selfishly only think about my sufferings. 

When I Let Myself Go

It's been a tough time for me and I guess for many people. Don't ask me how I know this :)

Oh well, and like most times when I just have to go through it, I usually give myself an hour every day to let go of anything that bothers or annoys me. Since I'm not used to openly express myself  then I have this tendency to suppress any bothering emotions inside. So I hope by spending a little time every day to safely let those emotions out can prevent me from being a walking time bomb.

Sometimes, I will spare an hour in the morning just to let myself feel bad about everything including myself. Then if I'm lucky enough, I will have a good cry afterwards and this will bring great relief to the heaviness I feel inside. Or if I don't have much time to be alone in the morning, anytime during the day I can just play my favorite song, turn up the volume a little bit louder than usual then grab a paper and some crayons, color pencils or acrylic paints -- all in the hope that the suppressed emotions can just flow out of my systems through my creativity.  Actually there are many ways to release the tensions, but my favorites have always been painting, journaling and dancing.

Lately, I feel drawn to paint than doing other stuff in expressing myself. Funny that even when I paint I find myself still resisting to let go. I realize even when I paint, I will unconsciously try to paint something pretty or at least nice to see. I never know that letting go of myself can be this hard. 

So yesterday, in the middle of painting a woman figure on a huge paper, suddenly I felt fed up of myself. I felt tired of myself who never stops trying to paint prettily, who always resists to paint care freely and experiment with unusual colors and shapes for fear of creating something hideous.

Then I thought, so what. The next thing I knew, I painted no longer using my brushes but my palms and fingers. And it felt sooooo good. The feeling was so glorious and liberating. It made me want to scream to the world I just don't care anymore!

So, here's the-not-so-pretty-anymore-painting from me :)

It may not look pretty but it makes me feel pretty inside :)

It Makes Us One Big Family

I live only with my mom in our big house. There used to be the five of us but now there are only two of us, me and my mom. My Dad passed away last year and earlier this year my sister took a job outside the city. And as a married man, my brother lives with his wife in their own house not far from ours.  

With three bedrooms and a large yard, this house has surely become so spacey now. Luckily I work at home so my mom doesn’t feel too alone in this house. And how about me? Do I feel lonely living in a big house like this? Spending my days doing house chores, taking care of my mom who is now not so mobile anymore, tending the plants and trees in our large yard, petting my two adorable and loving cats, and doing my stuff may make me look like a busy bee who doesn’t socialize much. And that also means I spend less and less time hanging out with friends. Do I feel lonely living like this? Surprisingly and thankfully not.  

I realize I’m surrounded with many loving people that regularly connect with me and generously share their lovely moments. At least once a week, one of my best friends will come over for an afternoon coffee or dinner. And once in a while even without a special occasion I would invite them over. I feel so blessed that even if we don’t have time to meet up, we still talk on the phone or chat in the internet. And I’m so thankful to be able to keep in touch with them in many ways. Bless the technology. It diminishes the distant that separates people from each other. 

Rara's

Just before I wrote this entry, I chatted with one of my close friends. Although it’s weekend and it’s a family day, she’s still willing to help me with some proofreading works. And while we chatted about work, she sent me some pics of her daughter’s drawing. She told me that they had fun making some drawings with color pencils. It melted my heart. Family good times always melt my heart. And this is not the first time she shares her daily stuff with me while chatting with me in the internet. Sometimes she even lets her 7-year-old little girl types down some words to chat with me or says hi to me on the phone. 

And just like her, another girl friend would call me just to share how her newly bloomed flowers smell so nice. Or to share how she felt so peaceful sitting by the beach in the middle of the night during her solo holiday and she would then put the phone on the sand for some seconds to let me hear the soothing sound of the ocean wave.  

My friend's (Rara's mom)

Another dear friend would proudly send me the pictures of her creative works and share with me her excitement about her expanding arts and crafts business.  And likewise, I like sharing my daily simple pleasures with them. I often send them the pictures of my recent paintings or the copy of my writings or even small stuff like a cookie recipe and pictures of my kitties.  Yes, we do share moments to each other.  

One of my simple pleasures

 

Sharing good moments like that makes life merry. And not only that, it makes us one big family.

You Alone Are Enough

You can stop showing off how happy you are when you’re actually not, stop trying to prove the world that you are worthy, stop boasting over your achievements just to seek people’s approval, stop putting that smile while you don’t feel like smiling in your heart, stop being nice to every one while you still struggle to love your self, stop running here and there to fill the emptiness inside, stop trying to fit in, just stop that right here right now.  You alone are enough. You are the one you need the most.

When Life Teaches Me to Bend

Do you have plan for the next 5 or 10 years from now? What is your goal for the next 5 years? What do you want to be? What have you been doing in order to get there?

When I was in my mid twenties, I could provide long answers to those questions. I would excitedly – in a story telling manner— tell my plans, my goals and my efforts in order to achieve my dreams. It used to be a long narration, very thorough, full of emotion and for sure it always had perfectly happy endings.

Now, on the way to get 30 within one month, the same Qs most likely to be answered with a smile and a short ‘I don’t know’. Not because I’ve lost hope along the way of getting older, but simply because I’ve made my own preference in how I live my life.

This preference is the result of the endless struggle of one high achiever that had been living her days to the fullest (according to her). Day by day colored with a long-list dreams waiting to be fulfilled, strategic plans on how to gain much more from life and although 80% of her desires were already at her hands still she wanted more form life…oh yeah she’s one ambitious and a meany life exploiter. She knew she’s good at it. She knew if she pushed her self to the limit she could even own the planet. Friends adored her achievement and hard works. Her courage and unlimited talents made a job hopping from one to another world wide company a piece of cake. There was no single company that was not on the top list of international business player listed in her CV. Employers put their trust on her shoulders. She enjoyed the acknowledgement. She enjoyed the fam and glam in the world of power.  She was having a ball for some 5 continuous years until some life-changing events happened from one to another. She started experiencing the low tides of life and slowly but sure she hit the bottom.

Funny the way life teaches this stubborn soul to bend. I then realize that some things in life can’t be tamed. There are things in life that are beyond my control. This life changing event started with the breaking up of my 6 years relationship with I-thought-the-best boyfriend-I-ever-had. The break up was painful and bitter because the relationship had actually been dying for the last 3 years but knowing how stubborn I was, I kept on trying to fix it here and there till I had no stamina left to keep it going. Letting this go was a great struggle yet something inside me told me that it’s time to let go.Then while trying to live my broken hearted life normally, almost a year after the break up, I lost my father. He died during napping at home. Now I lost two most respectable men in my life. What could be worse than that?

A few months later, still in mourning and brokenhearted mode, something happened in the place I work and I had to face the most outrageous office politics. I could no longer recognize friends and colleagues from back stabbers. And I had no energy left to juggle between professionalism and some group’s dirty office drama. No matter how hard I tried to recall the nice things happened during my employment there I still couldn’t find the appetite to stay.  I even remembered how enthusiastic I was when I joined the company. That day, my head was full of promising dreams and I was so sure I would work there for a long long time. And this too didn’t successfully make me stay. I was exhausted. I felt so worn out in hanging on to all of these things. This too had showed me that some things didn’t always turn out as I planned. On October 2010, with no plan on future job at hands or whatsoever, I handed out my resignation letter which shocked not only the whole management but also my family and friends.

The first thought came up when I woke up one morning on my first ‘unemployed’ day was this: I need to heal myself. So I dedicate the first three months allowing my self to let out all the repressed emotions. I allowed myself to grief for the loss of my father, my failing romance and my failing career. I let out huge amount of anger, self-pity, disappointments, resentment and still this well of emotions seems bottomless. The more I let it out the more I was shown. I let out anger and resentment then I found sadness. Later when I let out sadness I found disappointments. And all this things didn’t come only from recent hurts. I realized some painful memories from my childhood also came to the surface. Geez… so I’ve been storing them all within all this time.

Three months for sure is not enough. When I realize I had too much to keep inside, I decided not to put deadlines for this healing process. The emotional release and painful memories resurfacing had led me to depression, anxiety and panic attacks. It made me feel so insecure even to leave the house by my self. I was so sure that I needed to be treated in a ward. But God is still good and life is still loving even in the most tormenting life transformation like this, I’m still blessed with few loving souls who understand what I’ve been through. They didn’t think I got insane. They thought I’ve been through some life transformation process or spiritual emergency. I’m blessed with supportive people who among others are a psychologist, an intuitive healer, a visual art teacher. They teach me to meditate to calm myself, they help me using art as an outlet, they motivate me to keep on living no matter how hard it gets. I’m blessed with a family who patiently taking care of me and treat me like a normal person while I myself felt almost crazy due to the depressing internal turmoil. They all help me to accept and love myself as I am and life as it is. I’m still blessed with some freelancing jobs that can be done from home. I feel as if God wanted my healing process to be as convenient as possible.

So now here I am. Feeling much better and always feel thankful for every single ups and downs in my days, knowing it’s part of the healing process and it’s all well.  Even though it’s slow, but in the slowness itself I can see many tiny nuances and miracles appear along the way. So what would I become in the next five years? I don’t know and I don’t really care :)

Dearest

Dearest,

Tahukah kau kuselalu mengamatimu

Menikmati bayangmu

Dari tempat terjauh

Di sudut terpojok dan relung terdalam

Antara dua dunia

Tempat mimpi kita bertemu

Dearest,

Tahukah kau kuselalu merindu

Dengan hasrat yang tak sedikitpun pernah padam

Meski satu dekade telah berlalu

Meski jarak terus terentang tanpa hiraukan piluku

Dearest,

Tahukah kau hatiku bertalu

Hanya dengan kau tatapkan wajahmu

Atau bisikkan namaku

Atau sebaris kata di layar maya

Dearest,

Kutakkan bisa hentikan perputaran ini

Seperti mentari yang rindukan rembulan

Yang takkan pernah bersanding di satu dunia

Kutau kaupun mecumbu bayangku

Jakarta, 1 Oktober 2011

The Word Love

Don’t we give too much credit for the word ‘love’? Recently I find myself in a state of infatuated by an old flame. I’ve spent years trying to define the feelings I have for this person. Yet love seems overrated when it juxtaposes with infatuation. Being so human, I realize I have the tendency to jump quickly into a conclusion and calling such feelings as love. Before I write further, let me just break down what kind of feelings I have whenever I interact with this old flame. 

As far as I can remember this particular person’s “hi” can always draw a wide smile not only in my heart but literally in my face. And it lasts for days. And I usually end up feeling sick because of the butterflies I feel in my tummy that also can last up to three days. And if we got a chance to talk or even meet up I usually feel this wave of energy that can instantly turn me from a lazy bump into an energizer bunny. It’s almost feel like you were a rocket launched to the sky in a speed of sound. Or to make it less dramatic, you can think of fireworks. That’s how I feel whenever I talk to him on the phone or on the line. And if this happens, you can expect to see me jumping, dancing and singing in my room. I got no choice. The chemistry is too strong and the energy is too overwhelming that if I just sit through it I could explode like a grenade.

With the fireworks and all, a close friend and I agree to name this kind of feelings the independence-day-celebration-feelings. Alright we reach that point now, naming the feelings. This is definitely not a mere crush for I’ve been feeling like this for more than a decade. But to jump into conclusion by naming it love, I find it too much because I only see him once in a while and not to mention that our relationship is dominated only with cozy conversations and passionate make outs. Unlike with my ex boyfriend, I realize I grow no compassion or affection towards this old flame.

In a rough, it’s the convenience of companionship that glues us together and the sex is just a bonus. Once I actually tried to consider this feeling as love. Then look what I made myself into. I ended up lost in confusion for the image of the ideal love in my head didn’t seem to match the reality in front of my eyes. For me, to label some feelings as love, I need to feel among others these things below:

1. I need to feel loved
2. I need to feel compassion and affection toward the person
3. I need to need him and feel needed
4. I need to feel accepted the way I am
5. I need to be able to see him as my future husband or the father of my future kids
6. I need to feel okay with his best and worst

And yes, I still believe in love that gives you the magical sensation right away when you interact with that person (highlight this: interacting, not just by gazing into each other’s eyes). I mean, I'm aware that there are times when love can be grown and nurtured but personally I choose to believe something effortless is meant to be.

Back to the check list. The reality only gives me number 4&5, the rest remain absence until now. So, I become more careful in labeling feelings as love. But shall we put the blame on the limited verbal expression that we humans become so get used to call any kind of extra ordinarily pleasant feelings we have toward the opposite gender as love?

So yeah, I guess I will stick with the independence-day-celebration-feelings. For me, it's somehow lighter than love yet it explains the whole bodily and emotional sensation I experience. Who knows it might also safe me from a whole lot heart-breaking-drama caused by the misleading assumption towards love.

A Cosmic Darling

She's a cosmic darling
She's a princess of light
Though She knew She could live like one
She chose not a tale that bright
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's made of d purest love
Though she understood that nature
She chose not a trait of innocence
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's a dear to Loved Ones with many names
Though She never doubt nor second questioned it
She chose to be wounded
 
She's a cosmic darling
She embodies heavenly gifts
Though She was thankful for it
She chose to deny it
 
She's a cosmic darling
She has this pair of majestic wings
Though She knew there's no sky too high to fly
She chose not to soar to crawl
 
She's a cosmic darling
She loved the choices She made
And Loved Ones agreed to play the villains
And Universe lovingly co-created the set
gently provided the time and space
And Guardians compassionately assisted Her
Removing almost all memories of Her true self
So She could play Her new role to her best
Expand and stretch to the max
And the Source witnessed all
From the beginning to the end
From the time She was conceived
And the time She made those choices
To the time She lives her role
And the time She returns home
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's a princess of light
Though Her choices are not for the soft heart
Though Her story is far from a tale of rosy
Though the oblivion seems endless
We all know someday she will remember
who She really is
When the time has come
When Loved Ones put off their masks
When Guardians show themselves
When She returns to a place called home
When the Source and She becomes one