Dream (Quotes by Paulo Coelho)

You don’t need to explain your dreams. They belong to you.

~Paulo Coelho~

Oblivion

...and forgetting my true colors

I'm lost 

in the beauty

of the black and white

Joy Is Not Selfish, Suffering Is

This is my first post in 2012. I've been absence quite a while from this blog due to some private stuff going on. Ok, I admit, it was due to small emotional disturbance that unfortunately took bigger part of my days away. Alright, it was big...it was a big, unbearable, challenging, exhausting emotional issue. So challenging that I even started to think if it might be the time to surrender to anti depressant pills.

 Anyway, apparently some friends also share the same issues these days. Some have been feeling unusually mellow, others told me they felt a bit more restless and sensitive than usual, so even though the state is milder but it's there. The restlessness has been in the air nearing the year end. As in my case, a HSP and Empath, it got worse since it was also my pms moment

I felt so overwhelmed especially because I got some deadlines to meet. So there I was, uptight and anxious and struggling my way to peace and serenity for the sake of the responsibilities at hands. But I got familiar with this pattern. I'm quite aware that whenever I'm in the state of totally sensitive in which small stimuli can easily trigger anxiety attack, universe showering me with works. So yeah, the last two months had been quite a smooth ride with no so serious emotional issues, yet with no job offers around too. In other words, I was happy but broke. But the past 2 weeks, things turned totally different. I've been not so happy, in fact, I've been feeling terrible and suddenly 3 job offers came out of the blue making me a complete busy and overwhelmed lady.

So while trying to finish all the translation and writing jobs, I discussed my problems with some friends and we all came up with one conclusion: it might be the collective anticipation and restlessness in entering 2012. It could be true or not. Whatever d cause of my emotional disturbance was, it really hit me to the ground. I couldn't stand the mood swings, the unstoppable racing thoughts, the mellowness that I thought the best way to stay calm was to stay away from as much people as I could. Yet the idea of being a loner in last days of December 2011 didn't sound fun at all. Still, deep down I really wished I could be like others, enjoying the year end together with loved ones. 

So the clock was ticking. It was nearing the year end. I really hoped I got a lil' piece of inner peace to be able to count down the time together with my family. Yet the restlessness wouldn't just go away. I was torn between the thought of spending the whole night being alone in my room to avoid more stimuli from the crowd or joining my family having fun till the count down time and celebrating the changing years.  


I usually would take the first option in similar situation. But I didn't know why that night the urge to ignore all anxiety symptoms seemed to win myself. So despite of the short breathing, the tightness in the chest, the restlessness, I decided to join my family watching this stand up comedy show on TV just 2 hours before 2012. I had a good laugh. Yet I still had the anxiety. But again the more I could enjoy myself thru the night the more I got relaxed. And suddenly I could just accept this anxiety. Suddenly even though the symptoms were still there, they didn't bother me anymore. I kinda felt I could detach from it and it wasn't a biggie anymore.

So I did the count down along with other family member. I even joined them sitting outside watching the fireworks. The cheer from the family next door made me smile. The sound of laughters made me feel one with them. I could feel the air was full of joy. And at that moment I didn't care anymore about my anxiety. All I wanted to do was savoring the moment. My heart got warm whenever I saw the fireworks bursted out in the night sky, knowing I shared the same joy with millions of people accross the nation, knowing despite all d hardships we had last year we could still stand tall and whispered hopes for better days ahead. Knowing we're all in this together.

And I felt really grateful to be able to rest my attention fully to the celebration, making the restlessness less significant. Had I let all the symptoms occupied me, I would have stayed in the room, missed the fun and selfishly only think about my sufferings. 

When I Let Myself Go

It's been a tough time for me and I guess for many people. Don't ask me how I know this :)

Oh well, and like most times when I just have to go through it, I usually give myself an hour every day to let go of anything that bothers or annoys me. Since I'm not used to openly express myself  then I have this tendency to suppress any bothering emotions inside. So I hope by spending a little time every day to safely let those emotions out can prevent me from being a walking time bomb.

Sometimes, I will spare an hour in the morning just to let myself feel bad about everything including myself. Then if I'm lucky enough, I will have a good cry afterwards and this will bring great relief to the heaviness I feel inside. Or if I don't have much time to be alone in the morning, anytime during the day I can just play my favorite song, turn up the volume a little bit louder than usual then grab a paper and some crayons, color pencils or acrylic paints -- all in the hope that the suppressed emotions can just flow out of my systems through my creativity.  Actually there are many ways to release the tensions, but my favorites have always been painting, journaling and dancing.

Lately, I feel drawn to paint than doing other stuff in expressing myself. Funny that even when I paint I find myself still resisting to let go. I realize even when I paint, I will unconsciously try to paint something pretty or at least nice to see. I never know that letting go of myself can be this hard. 

So yesterday, in the middle of painting a woman figure on a huge paper, suddenly I felt fed up of myself. I felt tired of myself who never stops trying to paint prettily, who always resists to paint care freely and experiment with unusual colors and shapes for fear of creating something hideous.

Then I thought, so what. The next thing I knew, I painted no longer using my brushes but my palms and fingers. And it felt sooooo good. The feeling was so glorious and liberating. It made me want to scream to the world I just don't care anymore!

So, here's the-not-so-pretty-anymore-painting from me :)

It may not look pretty but it makes me feel pretty inside :)

When You Forget Who You Really Are