Gerimis Mengiris

Mencari sosokmu

Yang tak lagi bisa kurasa

Seperti hilang tersapu gerimis

Yang meski kecil namun mengiris

Melerai satu persatu

Kenangan yang keras kepala

Yang hidupnya minta diperhatikan

Atau hidup dari sebuah perhatian

Entahlah, sayang

Aku tak mau lagi mereka-reka

Merasa-rasa

Sedang apa seorang yang kucinta

Di malam gerimis yang mengiris ini

Dan bukannya aku tak lagi sayang

Namun ada banyak yang kusayang

Para kesayangan yang senantiasa dihadirkan

Konon lebih “layak” disayang

Daripada sosokmu yang tak kunjung datang

Dan kini gerimis mereda

Namun rinduku makin membara

Aku harus bagaimana, Tuhan?

Dan seperti yang sudah-sudah Dia menjawab

Seperti biasa saja...

Dan biasakan saja...

Sehingga kau akan terbiasa

Dan menjadi bisa

Ah, jawaban macam apa itu?

Tuhan nampaknya juga bosan ditanya-tanya

Harus bagaimana aku melakoni hidup

Judulnya melakoni ya tinggal dijalani saja

Namun menjalaninya sambil mencarimu itu melelahkan

Sudah saja kau kurelakan

Kukembalikan ke sang Empunya hidup

Dengan kelelahan semalam kubisikkan kepadaNya

Ini kukembalikan...

Semoga Kau selalu melindungi dan memeliharanya

Oh iya... katakan juga

Aku mencintainya

Jakarta, selesai hujan di tengah September yang kerontang.

19.22 /  21 September 2014 

Just a Thought - Kadang

Kadang, mendengarkan musik yang tepat dan memandangi cahaya lilin

bisa lebih menentramkan daripada kata-kata penghiburan

Kadang, orang yang kita temui di jalan bisa lebih memahami kita

daripada orang-orang terdekat

Kadang, cuma keheningan yang bisa memunculkan semua jawaban 

Kadang, duduk diam adalah obat paling manjur bagi emosi yang bergejolak

Kadang, sendirian membuat kita bisa bernapas lebih lega

Kadang, menahan lidah bisa menyelamatkan banyak hati

Dan kadang, tak melakukan apa-apa adalah hal yang paling bijaksana

Just a Thought - Tak Perlu Nestapa

Orang-orang terdahulu kini kembali lagi ke hidupku. Beberapa dari mereka adalah teman kuliahku, teman di kantorku dulu, teman di salah satu komunitas yang dulu pernah aktif kugeluti. Sementara orang-orang lama ini kembali, aku menyadari tidak sedikit juga orang yang "menghilang" dari kehidupanku. 

Mungkin begitulah fitrahnya hidup. Segalanya hanya menari di sekitarku. Dan ternyata aku, di tengah-tengah inti hidupku ini, tak perlu melakukan apa-apa. Tak perlu menggapai-gapai untuk sesuatu yang belum waktunya masuk ke dalam hidupku. Dan tak perlu sekuat tenaga menghindari hal-hal yang tak ingin kuhadapi. 

Tarian hidup akan menggerakkan segalanya mendekati atau menjauhiku.Tidak peduli berapa lama sesuatu atau seseorang telah pergi dari hidupku atau berapa lama mereka akan berada di sisiku, segalanya selalu bergerak. Segalanya seperti sebuah tarian. Gemulainya akan terasa lembut jika aku bisa mengalir mengikuti iramanya. Dan akan terasa berat jika aku memutuskan untuk bergerak sendiri, melawan aliran hidup ini. 

Ah ya, semua baik adanya. Tak perlu dikhawatirkan. Segalanya akan datang dan pergi sesuai waktuNya. Dan selama gerakku mengalir mengikuti gemulai yang telah ditetapkanNya, menyatu dengan megahnya kasih semesta, hati ini tak perlu nestapa. 

Fly High

Image Credit

You know, when Universe gives you wings to soar in a rocketing speed, launch high with a smile and a thankful heart.

 Keep your gaze upon the sky, fear not the height and speed and fear not to fall down because Universe gives only what you are ready to take. 

So when you are given those wings, know that you are indeed ready and capable to soar. 

Fly high beautiful souls ♥

Bring Back The Child's Confidence

Children always fascinate me. Most of the time when I forget the true inborn quality of human, I just have to look at little children. They are cheerful, full of curiosity, expressive, loud, innocence and fearless. They don’t have much worries and fears like adults. But unfortunately, I meet many parents, out of their ignorance, transmit their worries and fears to their kids and these little children can start to have worries and fears as early as the age of 3. In addition to that, it’s very common that the society want them not to make mistakes. While making mistakes is actually an important process to grow. 

Every weekend, I teach my neighbor’s little daughter to read and write for one and half hour. She’s six years old. She’s so timid, shy and very quite. In our first meetings, I needed to put extra efforts to just to communicate with her. Whenever I asked a question, she responded by nodding or shrugging. When she found difficulties in writing a word, she would just sit and stared at her paper blankly for a long time. When we tried to read a word together, I could only hear her whisper. But when I asked her to repeat after me, she would just move her lips without any sound.

Today, before starting the lesson, I decided to ask her to do some artsy. I know she likes to draw using color pencils and crayons, so this time I asked her to join me painting with acrylic paint. Her eyes got bigger when she saw piles of small color tubes on the floor. I could sense her excitement. I only taught her how to mix certain colors and let her do the rest. I let her know that she’s free to use all the brushes and paints here and she didn’t have to worry to be messy or to create something ugly. There’s no ugly art for me. Whenever she hesitated, she would look at me asking for approval if her painting was okay. And I would assure her that she could paint anything on that paper. That she’s allowed to be as creative as she could be. Then not long after she started painting, she became talkative. She asked many questions like how to make pink color or how to clean the brush or how to make a flower and why she needed water to paint, etc. It was wonderful to finally see her actively into something and to finally listen to her cute voice enthusiastically asking many things. And it didn’t stop there. During our writing and reading lessons, she spelled the words loudly and when she made mistakes, she laughed and repeated with the correct ones. We really had a good time today. The hard works and efforts got paid. And I hope she will never lose her confidence anymore.  

Read more: http://gameolosophy.com/games/bring-back-the-childs-confidence/#ixzz1kAEcuGYv

Would You Change Your...?

There are times when we just have to accept and surrender to the flow of life. Well I guess, that how life is, always flowing and changing and as part of it, like it or not we too have to live with it.

What I learn is that resisting change will not make life easier, especially if we talk about changes that actually serve us good. This reminds me of what happened to a friend years ago.

She is a mobile and successful career woman with a bit conservative way of thinking. The fact that her high education and she’d lived overseas for more than 5 years doesn’t change her way of doing certain things. One thing I remember, she had always refused to have a credit card. Not that I encourage anyone to have one but I think for people who are always on the go and who can afford having it, a credit card could be handy especially if you travel a lot. 

I remember the first time she was offered to have a credit card was when she was about to move to Denmark for 2 years job training. She refused for she was sure she could survive without that plastic money. Then years after that, which showed that indeed she had survived living without using credit card, surprisingly she asked me how and where to apply for one. When I asked why all of the sudden she wanted to have one, she said because she finally felt it would be more practical to buy flight tickets, to book a hotel, to pay medical admission and many more using a credit card. It took her perhaps 10 years to finally decide to have one.

Lately she’s been having this issue that continuously makes her considering buying a smart phone. One day she said to me she couldn’t understand why people especially her clients wanted her so much to use a Blackberry. She said she couldn’t see the biggie of using it. She’s still quite satisfied with her simple cell phone that enables her making and receiving phone calls and text messages. When I asked why she still refused to use a smart phone, she said she still didn’t feel the necessity to use it. Well, it’s all surely up to her. For me, I wouldn’t mind changing my phone, my banking method even my job as long as it's within my capacity and it supports my growth and expand my life.

When I Let Myself Go

It's been a tough time for me and I guess for many people. Don't ask me how I know this :)

Oh well, and like most times when I just have to go through it, I usually give myself an hour every day to let go of anything that bothers or annoys me. Since I'm not used to openly express myself  then I have this tendency to suppress any bothering emotions inside. So I hope by spending a little time every day to safely let those emotions out can prevent me from being a walking time bomb.

Sometimes, I will spare an hour in the morning just to let myself feel bad about everything including myself. Then if I'm lucky enough, I will have a good cry afterwards and this will bring great relief to the heaviness I feel inside. Or if I don't have much time to be alone in the morning, anytime during the day I can just play my favorite song, turn up the volume a little bit louder than usual then grab a paper and some crayons, color pencils or acrylic paints -- all in the hope that the suppressed emotions can just flow out of my systems through my creativity.  Actually there are many ways to release the tensions, but my favorites have always been painting, journaling and dancing.

Lately, I feel drawn to paint than doing other stuff in expressing myself. Funny that even when I paint I find myself still resisting to let go. I realize even when I paint, I will unconsciously try to paint something pretty or at least nice to see. I never know that letting go of myself can be this hard. 

So yesterday, in the middle of painting a woman figure on a huge paper, suddenly I felt fed up of myself. I felt tired of myself who never stops trying to paint prettily, who always resists to paint care freely and experiment with unusual colors and shapes for fear of creating something hideous.

Then I thought, so what. The next thing I knew, I painted no longer using my brushes but my palms and fingers. And it felt sooooo good. The feeling was so glorious and liberating. It made me want to scream to the world I just don't care anymore!

So, here's the-not-so-pretty-anymore-painting from me :)

It may not look pretty but it makes me feel pretty inside :)

It Makes Us One Big Family

I live only with my mom in our big house. There used to be the five of us but now there are only two of us, me and my mom. My Dad passed away last year and earlier this year my sister took a job outside the city. And as a married man, my brother lives with his wife in their own house not far from ours.  

With three bedrooms and a large yard, this house has surely become so spacey now. Luckily I work at home so my mom doesn’t feel too alone in this house. And how about me? Do I feel lonely living in a big house like this? Spending my days doing house chores, taking care of my mom who is now not so mobile anymore, tending the plants and trees in our large yard, petting my two adorable and loving cats, and doing my stuff may make me look like a busy bee who doesn’t socialize much. And that also means I spend less and less time hanging out with friends. Do I feel lonely living like this? Surprisingly and thankfully not.  

I realize I’m surrounded with many loving people that regularly connect with me and generously share their lovely moments. At least once a week, one of my best friends will come over for an afternoon coffee or dinner. And once in a while even without a special occasion I would invite them over. I feel so blessed that even if we don’t have time to meet up, we still talk on the phone or chat in the internet. And I’m so thankful to be able to keep in touch with them in many ways. Bless the technology. It diminishes the distant that separates people from each other. 

Rara's

Just before I wrote this entry, I chatted with one of my close friends. Although it’s weekend and it’s a family day, she’s still willing to help me with some proofreading works. And while we chatted about work, she sent me some pics of her daughter’s drawing. She told me that they had fun making some drawings with color pencils. It melted my heart. Family good times always melt my heart. And this is not the first time she shares her daily stuff with me while chatting with me in the internet. Sometimes she even lets her 7-year-old little girl types down some words to chat with me or says hi to me on the phone. 

And just like her, another girl friend would call me just to share how her newly bloomed flowers smell so nice. Or to share how she felt so peaceful sitting by the beach in the middle of the night during her solo holiday and she would then put the phone on the sand for some seconds to let me hear the soothing sound of the ocean wave.  

My friend's (Rara's mom)

Another dear friend would proudly send me the pictures of her creative works and share with me her excitement about her expanding arts and crafts business.  And likewise, I like sharing my daily simple pleasures with them. I often send them the pictures of my recent paintings or the copy of my writings or even small stuff like a cookie recipe and pictures of my kitties.  Yes, we do share moments to each other.  

One of my simple pleasures

 

Sharing good moments like that makes life merry. And not only that, it makes us one big family.

It Was A Privilege

From sindianavisions.files.wordpress.com

This morning, a close friend of mine popped up in a window chat asking if I could cook. To my surprise, her question brought me to the memory of my late father. I remember that the first time I tried to serve food was for my family’s breakfast, around a month before my father passed away. I remember trying this French toast recipe and had him taste them. He liked them so much that I served him French toast for breakfast for the whole week.

All these times, I’ve heard that those who are close to 'departing' will show changes in behavior; ‘hints’ that they are saying good-byes. This behavioral change was also shown by my father. About a month before he passed away, he became less and less grumpy. And he smiled often, even toward the simplest pleasures. It was almost like he suddenly transform into someone who was so easy to please. 

 
I remember taking a glimpse of him sitting on the terrace, only to enjoy the afternoon breeze. Unlike usual, that particular time, I didn’t find any trace of worries on his face. And the closer he reached his time, the more attentive and sweeter he became. Every single morning, about a week before he 'moved on', he would stand in front of my bedroom door, just to see what I was doing. As clueless as I was, I felt slightly annoyed being watched like that. I reminisce the one morning I eventually asked him what he was up to. He just smiled and said “I just wanna see what my daughter’s doing this morning and check if there’s still something in your room that I can fix...”

The day finally arrived. I remember on that morning, I tried a new recipe for his breakfast. That time, it was Indonesian traditional food. I asked him to watch Nat Geo while he accompanied me cooking. Normally, he would refuse watching international TV channels since he is only familiar with Bahasa Indonesia. However, that morning, as he smiled and sat behind me, he turned the TV on and watched Nat Geo. Not a single complain or cynical comment went out from his account. Funny, because he would usually do this every time he watched a show in languages he understood not. He seemed to enjoy the show, and later I even heard him laughed. It was like a dream. I have always been longing that kind of father-daughter moment.

On the afternoon, he sat on his favorite chair in front of my bedroom door while reading newspaper. I heard him calling my name and said “I don’t feel well. I will take a nap for a moment.” I knew he hasn’t been so well for the past 2 weeks. Often, he said that he got exhausted easily, along with a slight pain felt in his chest. Still, however, he refused to see the doctor as if he has made up his mind to depart soon. That afternoon, I took him to bed and once again asked him to see the doctor. He refused and said “No need. I don’t think it’s necessary.”

When I walked out his room, he told me to leave the door open (another unusual thing).

Around 15 minutes later, I heard my sister running to my father’s room. Then she called me and my mom as well. Apparently because my sis’ room was the closest room from my father’s, she could hear that my father was snoring strangely. He gave out a long and loud snoring sound and his eyes was half opened. She thought that he was choked during sleep, so she came rushing to wake him up. There I saw her trying to wake him up gently. No respond. She looked at me and I could see fear on her eyes. I tried to wake him up as well. Still no respond. We could hear him exhaled a very long sigh. It was his last breath. My heart sank, but I couldn’t feel any sadness. It was heartbreaking to see that the body in front of me contained no soul anymore. It was heartbreaking to see those half opened eyes had their sparks taken away from them. But it was a privilege to witness his departing. It was a privilege to close his eyes, close his mouth, and listen to his last breath. I still feel so grateful to be given the opportunity to be at his side until his very last moments. For me, it was another father-daughter moment.