When I Start Painting

 I’m not a professional or an amateur artist who has passion in painting or visual art. I’m just an ordinary person who doesn’t know much about art especially about painting techniques. When friends who happened to know more about visual art browsed my paintings and said This one looks beautiful or Your art is pretty or Hey, you have a style like those naïve paintings artists, you could expect me responding them with a thanks and big grin. It's always nice when others can appreciate your creation. And it feels good especially when they can enjoy it because to be honest, I know my painting is messy because I never learn how to paint and I paint to please myself and never thought that others would like it.

 

I started painting about one and a half year ago. I was inspired to give it a shot after I read some articles about healing with art. Started small and shy just like a new kid at school, my first piece was made out of water color pencils. Then I tried to be more adventurous by combining color pencils with oil pastels. The result was decent. I liked what I created. Then one day a friend of mine who’s also an art teacher suggested me to be more willing to experiment and express myself with those two coloring tools. She showed me how to create pretty colors by blending the oil pastels using my fingers. It was fun. It was dirty but it was fun. For months, I fell in love with this oil pastels blending and smudging on papers. I could create up to three paintings or drawings a day.  

After that, the same friend told me to try to start using acrylic paint. I felt nervous and the gremlin inside my head started to raise its voice. Do u really think u can paint that well? Do you consider yourself an artist that you think you can paint with real paint?. My friend sensed this hesitation and she laughed and said Don’t worry, I believe every body can paint. You just have to let the artist within to take charge. So there I was, bracing myself to go to the nearest art store and bought one set of acrylic paint, three different sizes of paint brush and one water color pad. I went home with a shopping bag full of artsy things and of course, enthusiasm. Like a child that ready to explore new toys, I took them out of the shopping bag and started to paint. Apparently, I enjoyed mixing and combining many colors into my paper. Without even realizing, I’ve painted more than 50 painting in a year.

There’s always the first time for everything. After getting used to paint on watercolor pad, one day I felt quiet ready to strike my brush on a canvas. Again, there’s this little voice full of bully telling me that painting on a canvas would be such a waste of money especially because I’m not a professional artist so why would I even bother buying a canvas. I should’ve felt happy enough with a paper. But I knew this words were bogus and I encouraged myself to paint on a canvas anyway. Luckily, my friend had some used canvas and she didn’t mind if I used them. And surprisingly, they were huge. So I re-painted these huge canvases white and started painting on it. And it was sooo nice. I never knew painting in a huge media could make me feel so free. The full movement of my hand, the rich amount of the paints that color whatever media I used for painting,  the strike and pressure of the brush in my hand, the whole process felt more like a dance to me. I’m satisfied and pleased. It’s not really about the painting, I guess it’s the process that makes me feel good. I think the same thing with life. It’s the journey that we enjoy, not the destination.

Joy Is Not Selfish, Suffering Is

This is my first post in 2012. I've been absence quite a while from this blog due to some private stuff going on. Ok, I admit, it was due to small emotional disturbance that unfortunately took bigger part of my days away. Alright, it was big...it was a big, unbearable, challenging, exhausting emotional issue. So challenging that I even started to think if it might be the time to surrender to anti depressant pills.

 Anyway, apparently some friends also share the same issues these days. Some have been feeling unusually mellow, others told me they felt a bit more restless and sensitive than usual, so even though the state is milder but it's there. The restlessness has been in the air nearing the year end. As in my case, a HSP and Empath, it got worse since it was also my pms moment

I felt so overwhelmed especially because I got some deadlines to meet. So there I was, uptight and anxious and struggling my way to peace and serenity for the sake of the responsibilities at hands. But I got familiar with this pattern. I'm quite aware that whenever I'm in the state of totally sensitive in which small stimuli can easily trigger anxiety attack, universe showering me with works. So yeah, the last two months had been quite a smooth ride with no so serious emotional issues, yet with no job offers around too. In other words, I was happy but broke. But the past 2 weeks, things turned totally different. I've been not so happy, in fact, I've been feeling terrible and suddenly 3 job offers came out of the blue making me a complete busy and overwhelmed lady.

So while trying to finish all the translation and writing jobs, I discussed my problems with some friends and we all came up with one conclusion: it might be the collective anticipation and restlessness in entering 2012. It could be true or not. Whatever d cause of my emotional disturbance was, it really hit me to the ground. I couldn't stand the mood swings, the unstoppable racing thoughts, the mellowness that I thought the best way to stay calm was to stay away from as much people as I could. Yet the idea of being a loner in last days of December 2011 didn't sound fun at all. Still, deep down I really wished I could be like others, enjoying the year end together with loved ones. 

So the clock was ticking. It was nearing the year end. I really hoped I got a lil' piece of inner peace to be able to count down the time together with my family. Yet the restlessness wouldn't just go away. I was torn between the thought of spending the whole night being alone in my room to avoid more stimuli from the crowd or joining my family having fun till the count down time and celebrating the changing years.  


I usually would take the first option in similar situation. But I didn't know why that night the urge to ignore all anxiety symptoms seemed to win myself. So despite of the short breathing, the tightness in the chest, the restlessness, I decided to join my family watching this stand up comedy show on TV just 2 hours before 2012. I had a good laugh. Yet I still had the anxiety. But again the more I could enjoy myself thru the night the more I got relaxed. And suddenly I could just accept this anxiety. Suddenly even though the symptoms were still there, they didn't bother me anymore. I kinda felt I could detach from it and it wasn't a biggie anymore.

So I did the count down along with other family member. I even joined them sitting outside watching the fireworks. The cheer from the family next door made me smile. The sound of laughters made me feel one with them. I could feel the air was full of joy. And at that moment I didn't care anymore about my anxiety. All I wanted to do was savoring the moment. My heart got warm whenever I saw the fireworks bursted out in the night sky, knowing I shared the same joy with millions of people accross the nation, knowing despite all d hardships we had last year we could still stand tall and whispered hopes for better days ahead. Knowing we're all in this together.

And I felt really grateful to be able to rest my attention fully to the celebration, making the restlessness less significant. Had I let all the symptoms occupied me, I would have stayed in the room, missed the fun and selfishly only think about my sufferings. 

It Makes Us One Big Family

I live only with my mom in our big house. There used to be the five of us but now there are only two of us, me and my mom. My Dad passed away last year and earlier this year my sister took a job outside the city. And as a married man, my brother lives with his wife in their own house not far from ours.  

With three bedrooms and a large yard, this house has surely become so spacey now. Luckily I work at home so my mom doesn’t feel too alone in this house. And how about me? Do I feel lonely living in a big house like this? Spending my days doing house chores, taking care of my mom who is now not so mobile anymore, tending the plants and trees in our large yard, petting my two adorable and loving cats, and doing my stuff may make me look like a busy bee who doesn’t socialize much. And that also means I spend less and less time hanging out with friends. Do I feel lonely living like this? Surprisingly and thankfully not.  

I realize I’m surrounded with many loving people that regularly connect with me and generously share their lovely moments. At least once a week, one of my best friends will come over for an afternoon coffee or dinner. And once in a while even without a special occasion I would invite them over. I feel so blessed that even if we don’t have time to meet up, we still talk on the phone or chat in the internet. And I’m so thankful to be able to keep in touch with them in many ways. Bless the technology. It diminishes the distant that separates people from each other. 

Rara's

Just before I wrote this entry, I chatted with one of my close friends. Although it’s weekend and it’s a family day, she’s still willing to help me with some proofreading works. And while we chatted about work, she sent me some pics of her daughter’s drawing. She told me that they had fun making some drawings with color pencils. It melted my heart. Family good times always melt my heart. And this is not the first time she shares her daily stuff with me while chatting with me in the internet. Sometimes she even lets her 7-year-old little girl types down some words to chat with me or says hi to me on the phone. 

And just like her, another girl friend would call me just to share how her newly bloomed flowers smell so nice. Or to share how she felt so peaceful sitting by the beach in the middle of the night during her solo holiday and she would then put the phone on the sand for some seconds to let me hear the soothing sound of the ocean wave.  

My friend's (Rara's mom)

Another dear friend would proudly send me the pictures of her creative works and share with me her excitement about her expanding arts and crafts business.  And likewise, I like sharing my daily simple pleasures with them. I often send them the pictures of my recent paintings or the copy of my writings or even small stuff like a cookie recipe and pictures of my kitties.  Yes, we do share moments to each other.  

One of my simple pleasures

 

Sharing good moments like that makes life merry. And not only that, it makes us one big family.