Personality Profile of Dame

Personality Profile of Dame

The Loner in Me

It's been almost a year since I start working from home. What I love the most from quitting office life is the plenty of time I have in my hands to spend with my own self. Being alone with the self may be a scary thing for some people. But for me, it's just like a golden opportunity to explore and get to know myself better. I can even say that I become busier when being left alone as I will try to experiment with so many things and start to make use all the skills and knowledge I have. By being alone I have the chance to dig in deeper and meet the part of me who is an intuitive artist, the dancer, the chef, the animal lover, the whimsy and many other talented characters that have been left unknown all this time due to the hustle and bustle of daily life. 

Lately, I've been faced with the side of me that is easily annoyed and distracted by the presence of bunch of people.This annoyance has been going on for quite sometimes and somewhat makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Then I decided to sit and question myself, what is it actually that has been bugging me whenever I'm intensely interacting with some people.

So I dig in the most private territory of my self. The soft spot where honesty is highly required. Why? because I decide to explore some weak spot of mine. And there I meet myself who is a loner. I never thought I have this side in myself, knowing I can do well working and socializing in a large group of people and I also enjoy attending gatherings and parties. Then again, like I said, honesty is highly required here. A large group of acquaintances doesn't justify anything in me. I try to recall some socializing patterns I have since I was small.Yes, I do have many friends and they also enjoy my company but let's see how many of them can be categorized as close friends? The number will not be more than 10. And yes I do enjoy attending parties and gathering. But let's be honest here, how long I can stand hanging around in one's party or a gathering? I have to admit, I usually excuse myself after spending two hours there. The more I can admit this to myself, the more I can recall so many indicators that relate to this loner of me.

I’m not that kind of person who enjoys interacting with a large group of friends. As far as I can remember, since in the elementary school I only kept one or three at the most companion a.k.a best friends around. And one is actually sufficient enough for me to function normally in life. So with this very small number of best friends, I’ve been living life quite joyfully like you can imagine. From the outside, people may think I have so many friends and live an active social life. You can expect to meet me hanging out with four to six people at a café on Friday afternoon or attending a community gathering in a cozy dining place along with the other 20 persons on some Saturday morning. In addition to that, you can also expect to see more than 500 people in my facebook friend list. All of these can easily make people think that I’m enjoying the crowd. Well, that’s not the case. I do have a lot of friends and know many people who also happen to be social butterflies but that doesn’t mean I’m one of them.

The real person inside is quite an introvert and sensitive. She has too much going on already in her head thus being in a crowd with such stimuli can at least exhaust her or lead her to anxiety attack at the worst. She would prefer to spend her time mostly by herself and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like people. She enjoys a companion or two and would prefer hanging out with those who appreciate the balance of talking and listening. She would love to spend time with friends who can mind their own business and just enjoy each others’ company without having to be trapped in an endless complicated conversation or to change her role from a friend into a therapist.

So here I am. Getting to know the loner in me. Not an easy thing for I've been living believing that I'm just like any other people who enjoy the crowds and thinking that a successful social life is one that is merry and noisy. No worries, it's just a matter of self acceptance. And I believe this journey within will only bring me the highest goods and take me closer to my true self and then what else can you ask more from life?

Tentang Ditinggalkan

Seorang teman berkeluh di sela isak tangisnya

aku tak pernah mengerti kenapa ada orang yang bisa putuskan hubungan begitu saja...
sakit sekali rasanya dihindari oleh orang yang sangat kau sayangi..

Biasanya aku diam...seperti yang sudah-sudah saat dia menangis terisak seperti gadis kecil. Biasanya aku diam...seperti yang sudah-sudah saat dia lontarkan tanya yang tak butuh jawaban, saat kekecewaan terdalamnya terkuak liar dan tak mampu dia redam. Biasanya aku diam...seperti yang sudah-sudah ketika dia butuh telinga dan hati manusia untuk telanjangi resahnya.

Tapi kali ini tanya itu kujawab pelan dan sangat hati-hati. Batinku ingin gadis kecil itu tahu siapa dirinya. Sudah saatnya luka itu dihadapi agar bisa terobati. Sudah saatnya air mata itu dipersembahkan untuk hal yang lebih mulia.

Ini jawabku:
Aku pernah tinggalkan orang-orang yang kusayang tanpa ucapan selamat tinggal. Yang aku tahu, aku lakukan hal itu karena tak tahan dengan penderitaan yang kurasakan. Tak tahan dengan sakitnya tak bisa mencinta dengan penuh, selalu terantai oleh luka masa lalu yang menunggu maafku. Maka kuputuskan untuk pergi dan 'bebaskan' orang-orang tersayang itu dan semoga suatu hari nanti, aku layak jadi orang tersayang mereka...tanpa luka, tanpa beban lagi.

Jadi sayang, biarlah ini jadi tangis terakhirmu. Karena kuharap kamu mengerti, bukan cuma kamu yang menderita di sini. Kuharap terpikir di benakmu, bisa jadi dia dua kali lebih menderita...karena tak hanya harus paksa dirinya tuk tinggalkanmu, tapi juga harus hadapi luka-luka masa lalunya yang mengantri untuk dimaafkan.


you can't love when you don't love yourself

My Favorite Bible Quote

And for this reason I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink; nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life span? And why are you anxious about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that even Solomon in all of his glory did not clothe himself like one of these. But if God so arrays the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more do so for you, O men of little faith? Do not be anxious then, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "With what shall we clothe ourselves?" For all of these things the gentile eagerly seek; for your heavenly father knows that you need of all of these things. But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness; and all of these things shall be added unto you.

Jesus of Nazareth

Mengenali Esensinya

You know you are friends when your heart can see each other’s true colors passing through every  layer of the ego-made masks.

Satu pelajaran yang saya petik di malam minggu lalu adalah esensi manusia tak pernah berubah. Sifat boleh bertransformasi, perilaku boleh berubah, penampilan selalu bisa berganti namun esensinya tak pernah luntur oleh waktu. Saya tak tahu istilah yang lebih baik lagi untuk menggambarkan karakter yang paling mendasar ini selain dengan kata esensi. Seperti sidik jari manusia, sejak lahir sampai dia menutup mata, esensinya akan tetap sama. Terus terang ini hal baru buat saya karena saya selalu berpikir manusia berubah. Hidup selalu bisa membuat seseorang menjadi lebih manis atau sebaliknya. Waktupun begitu.  Namun ternyata tidak juga.

Ote adalah salah satu sahabat saya. Dia teman lama saya. Dulu saat masih kuliah, kami dekat dan sudah seperti saudara. Saya tahu betul dia dan begitu juga sebaliknya. Kita sama-sama tahu pahit manisnya kehidupan yang kita masing-masing lalui. Persahabatanpun bukan cuma manisnya saja, banyak pahit dan pedih kami rasakan. Pertengkaran juga dari yang mogok bicara 3 harian sampai yang paling dramatis seperti sinetronpun pernah kami lalui. Tapi kami tetap saja tak kapok berteman. Ote orang yang unik. Dengan tampilan luar yang sangat mengintimidasi dan nyentrik, tak banyak orang tahu kalau dia sebenernya manusia dengan tingkat kepedean yang hampir rata dengan tanah. Dia sangat sering merasa tak berguna, tak dimengerti dan tak-tak yang lainnya.

Selepas lulus kuliah, saya langsung bekerja, sementara dia meneruskan kuliah di bidang yang dia sukai. Seiring waktu dan karena kesibukan kami masing-masing, saya dan dia makin jarang bertemu dan berkomunikasi. Makin jarang lagi karena setelah dia bekerja, saya mulai merasa kepribadiannya berubah. Menurut saya, Ote jadi “bossy”, kasar, dingin  dan tak berempati seperti dulu. Saya seperti berhadapan dengan tembok. Entah kemana Ote yang dulu. Apa begitu dahsyatnya kekuatan kekuasaan seperti uang dan posisi serta pergaulan hingga bisa membekukan kemanusiaan seorang manusia, begitu batin saya.  Saya jadi malas bicara sama dia bahkan hanya dengan maksud menyapa menanyakan kabar lewat messenger atau sms. Malas karena beberapa kali saya sapa ,dia menjawab singkat-singkat seperti orang yang malas bicara. Dan kalau saya tanyakan kenapa dia begitu, dia jadi galak dan menjawab sibuk. Dia pikir saya juga ga sibuk apa? , batin saya…

Kalau sudah begitu saya malas bicara lebih lanjut karena nantinya hanya bikin sakit hati. Berubah sudah sahabat yang satu ini, saya pasrah.  Meski pedih, life must go on, anggap saja seleksi alam, nanti juga dapat lagi gantinya yang sesuai, batin saya lagi...

Sabtu pagi itu, di luar kebiasaannya, dia menyapa melalui Blackberry  Messenger (BBM). Dia tanya apa saya punya rencana keluar hari itu. Saya jawab singkat, “ga ada. Mau santai aja di rumah. Kenapa?”

Seperti biasa, BBM saya dijawab dengan keheningan. Menyebalkan. Saya tanya lagi “Mau ke rumah?”

Baru dia jawab iya. Sekitar jam 10 habis sarapan katanya. Saya balas “kasih tau ya kalo udah otw.”

Dia jawab “yea sure”. Sombongnya.

Jam 11 dia sampai. Lusuh luar biasa. Tas kerja di tangan kanan, tas laptop di tangan kiri, jaket tergantung di pundak, kaos hitam, celana jeans ketat, kacamata hitam dan topi. Hari itu memang sangat terik jadi ya sangat wajar kalau kostum dia menyempurnakan penderitaan yang disebabkan udara Jakarta akhir-akhir ini.

Saya persilakan dia masuk langsung ke kamar. Dia kepanasan, saya nyalakan ac  kamar. Dia masih bisu sambil kipas2 panik, saya tawarkan apa dia mau ganti baju.  Saya agak kaget dengan perilaku saya sendiri. Terlepas dari kekesalan yang dia sebabkan karena perubahan sikapnya, saya tetap nyaman atas kehadirannya. Rasanya seperti kedatangan keluarga sendiri. Jujur saya senang bertemu dia lagi.

Pertemuan yang tadinya saya kira akan dingin dan tak nyaman ternyata tidak sama sekali. 10 jam dia ada di rumah saya dan selama itu banyak gelak tawa datang dari arah kamar saya. Rasanya sudah lama sekali tidak terbahak selepas ini. Rasanya sudah lama sekali tidak konyol-konyolan seperti orang yang lupa umur. Ote memang berubah. Dia sudah semakin percaya diri, semakin tahu apa yang dia mau. Dia juga tampak makin tenang meski saya yakin dia juga babak belur mengendalikan emosinya  itu. Banyak yang berubah di dirinya dan sudah pasti di diri saya juga. Tapi tiap kali kami menatap mata satu dan lainnya kami kenal esensi dibalik “atribut” kami. Lebam dan memar yang kami dapat sepanjang menjalani hidup ini tak mampu tutupi esensi itu.  Dan saya rasa, beginilah harusnya seseorang ‘melihat’ orang lain. Melihat melampaui lapisan label-label buatan masyarakat, topeng-topeng emosi, dan kabut pemikiran idealisme.

When You Forget Who You Really Are

A Cosmic Darling

She's a cosmic darling
She's a princess of light
Though She knew She could live like one
She chose not a tale that bright
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's made of d purest love
Though she understood that nature
She chose not a trait of innocence
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's a dear to Loved Ones with many names
Though She never doubt nor second questioned it
She chose to be wounded
 
She's a cosmic darling
She embodies heavenly gifts
Though She was thankful for it
She chose to deny it
 
She's a cosmic darling
She has this pair of majestic wings
Though She knew there's no sky too high to fly
She chose not to soar to crawl
 
She's a cosmic darling
She loved the choices She made
And Loved Ones agreed to play the villains
And Universe lovingly co-created the set
gently provided the time and space
And Guardians compassionately assisted Her
Removing almost all memories of Her true self
So She could play Her new role to her best
Expand and stretch to the max
And the Source witnessed all
From the beginning to the end
From the time She was conceived
And the time She made those choices
To the time She lives her role
And the time She returns home
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's a princess of light
Though Her choices are not for the soft heart
Though Her story is far from a tale of rosy
Though the oblivion seems endless
We all know someday she will remember
who She really is
When the time has come
When Loved Ones put off their masks
When Guardians show themselves
When She returns to a place called home
When the Source and She becomes one