Who She Is

Love,
You see this lil child
You let her laugh
and You let her cry
You let her fly
And also fall to the ground
And all her scars
You let all of them
Healed by time
And her tears
Dried by your breeze

Love,
This lil child misses her home
She knows You are watching her
She knows You feel her
All the time
In her every breath
In her every heartbeat

Love,
This lil child remembers You
She remembers how You feel
She remembers how You smell
She knows with her every being
how You are
Just like You, who knows who she really is
who always knows her very well

Love,
There's only one thing
She remembers not
That just like others
And just like You
She too is Love

Joy Is Not Selfish, Suffering Is

This is my first post in 2012. I've been absence quite a while from this blog due to some private stuff going on. Ok, I admit, it was due to small emotional disturbance that unfortunately took bigger part of my days away. Alright, it was big...it was a big, unbearable, challenging, exhausting emotional issue. So challenging that I even started to think if it might be the time to surrender to anti depressant pills.

 Anyway, apparently some friends also share the same issues these days. Some have been feeling unusually mellow, others told me they felt a bit more restless and sensitive than usual, so even though the state is milder but it's there. The restlessness has been in the air nearing the year end. As in my case, a HSP and Empath, it got worse since it was also my pms moment

I felt so overwhelmed especially because I got some deadlines to meet. So there I was, uptight and anxious and struggling my way to peace and serenity for the sake of the responsibilities at hands. But I got familiar with this pattern. I'm quite aware that whenever I'm in the state of totally sensitive in which small stimuli can easily trigger anxiety attack, universe showering me with works. So yeah, the last two months had been quite a smooth ride with no so serious emotional issues, yet with no job offers around too. In other words, I was happy but broke. But the past 2 weeks, things turned totally different. I've been not so happy, in fact, I've been feeling terrible and suddenly 3 job offers came out of the blue making me a complete busy and overwhelmed lady.

So while trying to finish all the translation and writing jobs, I discussed my problems with some friends and we all came up with one conclusion: it might be the collective anticipation and restlessness in entering 2012. It could be true or not. Whatever d cause of my emotional disturbance was, it really hit me to the ground. I couldn't stand the mood swings, the unstoppable racing thoughts, the mellowness that I thought the best way to stay calm was to stay away from as much people as I could. Yet the idea of being a loner in last days of December 2011 didn't sound fun at all. Still, deep down I really wished I could be like others, enjoying the year end together with loved ones. 

So the clock was ticking. It was nearing the year end. I really hoped I got a lil' piece of inner peace to be able to count down the time together with my family. Yet the restlessness wouldn't just go away. I was torn between the thought of spending the whole night being alone in my room to avoid more stimuli from the crowd or joining my family having fun till the count down time and celebrating the changing years.  


I usually would take the first option in similar situation. But I didn't know why that night the urge to ignore all anxiety symptoms seemed to win myself. So despite of the short breathing, the tightness in the chest, the restlessness, I decided to join my family watching this stand up comedy show on TV just 2 hours before 2012. I had a good laugh. Yet I still had the anxiety. But again the more I could enjoy myself thru the night the more I got relaxed. And suddenly I could just accept this anxiety. Suddenly even though the symptoms were still there, they didn't bother me anymore. I kinda felt I could detach from it and it wasn't a biggie anymore.

So I did the count down along with other family member. I even joined them sitting outside watching the fireworks. The cheer from the family next door made me smile. The sound of laughters made me feel one with them. I could feel the air was full of joy. And at that moment I didn't care anymore about my anxiety. All I wanted to do was savoring the moment. My heart got warm whenever I saw the fireworks bursted out in the night sky, knowing I shared the same joy with millions of people accross the nation, knowing despite all d hardships we had last year we could still stand tall and whispered hopes for better days ahead. Knowing we're all in this together.

And I felt really grateful to be able to rest my attention fully to the celebration, making the restlessness less significant. Had I let all the symptoms occupied me, I would have stayed in the room, missed the fun and selfishly only think about my sufferings. 

All About Your Heart

Mindy Gledhill, Kendra Lowe
© Blue Morph Music 2010 (BMI), Kendra Lowe (ASCAP) 

I don'tt mind your odd behavior
It's the very thing I love
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one


My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go

Oh, I've loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It's not about your scars
It's all about your heart

You're a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds

Chorus

Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you

Chorus

On Love - Paulo Coelho

“… love is still the strongest force, one that can transform us forever.
But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word.
The truth is that we don’t want to be saved in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to be capable of choosing the object of our devotion.
It isn’t like that with love— it arrives, moves in, and starts directing everything. Only very strong souls allow themselves to be swept along.”
—
Paulo Coelho in "The Witch of Portobello"

When I Let Myself Go

It's been a tough time for me and I guess for many people. Don't ask me how I know this :)

Oh well, and like most times when I just have to go through it, I usually give myself an hour every day to let go of anything that bothers or annoys me. Since I'm not used to openly express myself  then I have this tendency to suppress any bothering emotions inside. So I hope by spending a little time every day to safely let those emotions out can prevent me from being a walking time bomb.

Sometimes, I will spare an hour in the morning just to let myself feel bad about everything including myself. Then if I'm lucky enough, I will have a good cry afterwards and this will bring great relief to the heaviness I feel inside. Or if I don't have much time to be alone in the morning, anytime during the day I can just play my favorite song, turn up the volume a little bit louder than usual then grab a paper and some crayons, color pencils or acrylic paints -- all in the hope that the suppressed emotions can just flow out of my systems through my creativity.  Actually there are many ways to release the tensions, but my favorites have always been painting, journaling and dancing.

Lately, I feel drawn to paint than doing other stuff in expressing myself. Funny that even when I paint I find myself still resisting to let go. I realize even when I paint, I will unconsciously try to paint something pretty or at least nice to see. I never know that letting go of myself can be this hard. 

So yesterday, in the middle of painting a woman figure on a huge paper, suddenly I felt fed up of myself. I felt tired of myself who never stops trying to paint prettily, who always resists to paint care freely and experiment with unusual colors and shapes for fear of creating something hideous.

Then I thought, so what. The next thing I knew, I painted no longer using my brushes but my palms and fingers. And it felt sooooo good. The feeling was so glorious and liberating. It made me want to scream to the world I just don't care anymore!

So, here's the-not-so-pretty-anymore-painting from me :)

It may not look pretty but it makes me feel pretty inside :)

It Makes Us One Big Family

I live only with my mom in our big house. There used to be the five of us but now there are only two of us, me and my mom. My Dad passed away last year and earlier this year my sister took a job outside the city. And as a married man, my brother lives with his wife in their own house not far from ours.  

With three bedrooms and a large yard, this house has surely become so spacey now. Luckily I work at home so my mom doesn’t feel too alone in this house. And how about me? Do I feel lonely living in a big house like this? Spending my days doing house chores, taking care of my mom who is now not so mobile anymore, tending the plants and trees in our large yard, petting my two adorable and loving cats, and doing my stuff may make me look like a busy bee who doesn’t socialize much. And that also means I spend less and less time hanging out with friends. Do I feel lonely living like this? Surprisingly and thankfully not.  

I realize I’m surrounded with many loving people that regularly connect with me and generously share their lovely moments. At least once a week, one of my best friends will come over for an afternoon coffee or dinner. And once in a while even without a special occasion I would invite them over. I feel so blessed that even if we don’t have time to meet up, we still talk on the phone or chat in the internet. And I’m so thankful to be able to keep in touch with them in many ways. Bless the technology. It diminishes the distant that separates people from each other. 

Rara's

Just before I wrote this entry, I chatted with one of my close friends. Although it’s weekend and it’s a family day, she’s still willing to help me with some proofreading works. And while we chatted about work, she sent me some pics of her daughter’s drawing. She told me that they had fun making some drawings with color pencils. It melted my heart. Family good times always melt my heart. And this is not the first time she shares her daily stuff with me while chatting with me in the internet. Sometimes she even lets her 7-year-old little girl types down some words to chat with me or says hi to me on the phone. 

And just like her, another girl friend would call me just to share how her newly bloomed flowers smell so nice. Or to share how she felt so peaceful sitting by the beach in the middle of the night during her solo holiday and she would then put the phone on the sand for some seconds to let me hear the soothing sound of the ocean wave.  

My friend's (Rara's mom)

Another dear friend would proudly send me the pictures of her creative works and share with me her excitement about her expanding arts and crafts business.  And likewise, I like sharing my daily simple pleasures with them. I often send them the pictures of my recent paintings or the copy of my writings or even small stuff like a cookie recipe and pictures of my kitties.  Yes, we do share moments to each other.  

One of my simple pleasures

 

Sharing good moments like that makes life merry. And not only that, it makes us one big family.

Osho on Meditation

Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness. When you are eating, eat totally--chew totally, taste totally, smell totally. Touch your bread, feel the texture. Smell the bread, smell the flavor. Chew it, let it dissolve into your being, and remain conscious--and you are meditating. And then meditation is not separate from life.

Whenever meditation is separate from life, something is wrong. It becomes life-negative. Then one starts thinking of going to a monastery or to a Himalayan cave. Then one wants to escape from life, because life seems to be a distraction from meditation.

Life is not a distraction, life is an occasion for meditation.

(Taken from The Transformation Tarot)