On Love - Paulo Coelho

“… love is still the strongest force, one that can transform us forever.
But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word.
The truth is that we don’t want to be saved in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to be capable of choosing the object of our devotion.
It isn’t like that with love— it arrives, moves in, and starts directing everything. Only very strong souls allow themselves to be swept along.”
—
Paulo Coelho in "The Witch of Portobello"

When I Let Myself Go

It's been a tough time for me and I guess for many people. Don't ask me how I know this :)

Oh well, and like most times when I just have to go through it, I usually give myself an hour every day to let go of anything that bothers or annoys me. Since I'm not used to openly express myself  then I have this tendency to suppress any bothering emotions inside. So I hope by spending a little time every day to safely let those emotions out can prevent me from being a walking time bomb.

Sometimes, I will spare an hour in the morning just to let myself feel bad about everything including myself. Then if I'm lucky enough, I will have a good cry afterwards and this will bring great relief to the heaviness I feel inside. Or if I don't have much time to be alone in the morning, anytime during the day I can just play my favorite song, turn up the volume a little bit louder than usual then grab a paper and some crayons, color pencils or acrylic paints -- all in the hope that the suppressed emotions can just flow out of my systems through my creativity.  Actually there are many ways to release the tensions, but my favorites have always been painting, journaling and dancing.

Lately, I feel drawn to paint than doing other stuff in expressing myself. Funny that even when I paint I find myself still resisting to let go. I realize even when I paint, I will unconsciously try to paint something pretty or at least nice to see. I never know that letting go of myself can be this hard. 

So yesterday, in the middle of painting a woman figure on a huge paper, suddenly I felt fed up of myself. I felt tired of myself who never stops trying to paint prettily, who always resists to paint care freely and experiment with unusual colors and shapes for fear of creating something hideous.

Then I thought, so what. The next thing I knew, I painted no longer using my brushes but my palms and fingers. And it felt sooooo good. The feeling was so glorious and liberating. It made me want to scream to the world I just don't care anymore!

So, here's the-not-so-pretty-anymore-painting from me :)

It may not look pretty but it makes me feel pretty inside :)

It Makes Us One Big Family

I live only with my mom in our big house. There used to be the five of us but now there are only two of us, me and my mom. My Dad passed away last year and earlier this year my sister took a job outside the city. And as a married man, my brother lives with his wife in their own house not far from ours.  

With three bedrooms and a large yard, this house has surely become so spacey now. Luckily I work at home so my mom doesn’t feel too alone in this house. And how about me? Do I feel lonely living in a big house like this? Spending my days doing house chores, taking care of my mom who is now not so mobile anymore, tending the plants and trees in our large yard, petting my two adorable and loving cats, and doing my stuff may make me look like a busy bee who doesn’t socialize much. And that also means I spend less and less time hanging out with friends. Do I feel lonely living like this? Surprisingly and thankfully not.  

I realize I’m surrounded with many loving people that regularly connect with me and generously share their lovely moments. At least once a week, one of my best friends will come over for an afternoon coffee or dinner. And once in a while even without a special occasion I would invite them over. I feel so blessed that even if we don’t have time to meet up, we still talk on the phone or chat in the internet. And I’m so thankful to be able to keep in touch with them in many ways. Bless the technology. It diminishes the distant that separates people from each other. 

Rara's

Just before I wrote this entry, I chatted with one of my close friends. Although it’s weekend and it’s a family day, she’s still willing to help me with some proofreading works. And while we chatted about work, she sent me some pics of her daughter’s drawing. She told me that they had fun making some drawings with color pencils. It melted my heart. Family good times always melt my heart. And this is not the first time she shares her daily stuff with me while chatting with me in the internet. Sometimes she even lets her 7-year-old little girl types down some words to chat with me or says hi to me on the phone. 

And just like her, another girl friend would call me just to share how her newly bloomed flowers smell so nice. Or to share how she felt so peaceful sitting by the beach in the middle of the night during her solo holiday and she would then put the phone on the sand for some seconds to let me hear the soothing sound of the ocean wave.  

My friend's (Rara's mom)

Another dear friend would proudly send me the pictures of her creative works and share with me her excitement about her expanding arts and crafts business.  And likewise, I like sharing my daily simple pleasures with them. I often send them the pictures of my recent paintings or the copy of my writings or even small stuff like a cookie recipe and pictures of my kitties.  Yes, we do share moments to each other.  

One of my simple pleasures

 

Sharing good moments like that makes life merry. And not only that, it makes us one big family.

Osho on Meditation

Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness. When you are eating, eat totally--chew totally, taste totally, smell totally. Touch your bread, feel the texture. Smell the bread, smell the flavor. Chew it, let it dissolve into your being, and remain conscious--and you are meditating. And then meditation is not separate from life.

Whenever meditation is separate from life, something is wrong. It becomes life-negative. Then one starts thinking of going to a monastery or to a Himalayan cave. Then one wants to escape from life, because life seems to be a distraction from meditation.

Life is not a distraction, life is an occasion for meditation.

(Taken from The Transformation Tarot)