Do you have plan for the next 5 or 10 years from now? What is your goal for the next 5 years? What do you want to be? What have you been doing in order to get there?
When I was in my mid twenties, I could provide long answers to those questions. I would excitedly – in a story telling manner— tell my plans, my goals and my efforts in order to achieve my dreams. It used to be a long narration, very thorough, full of emotion and for sure it always had perfectly happy endings.
Now, on the way to get 30 within one month, the same Qs most likely to be answered with a smile and a short ‘I don’t know’. Not because I’ve lost hope along the way of getting older, but simply because I’ve made my own preference in how I live my life.
This preference is the result of the endless struggle of one high achiever that had been living her days to the fullest (according to her). Day by day colored with a long-list dreams waiting to be fulfilled, strategic plans on how to gain much more from life and although 80% of her desires were already at her hands still she wanted more form life…oh yeah she’s one ambitious and a meany life exploiter. She knew she’s good at it. She knew if she pushed her self to the limit she could even own the planet. Friends adored her achievement and hard works. Her courage and unlimited talents made a job hopping from one to another world wide company a piece of cake. There was no single company that was not on the top list of international business player listed in her CV. Employers put their trust on her shoulders. She enjoyed the acknowledgement. She enjoyed the fam and glam in the world of power. She was having a ball for some 5 continuous years until some life-changing events happened from one to another. She started experiencing the low tides of life and slowly but sure she hit the bottom.
Funny the way life teaches this stubborn soul to bend. I then realize that some things in life can’t be tamed. There are things in life that are beyond my control. This life changing event started with the breaking up of my 6 years relationship with I-thought-the-best boyfriend-I-ever-had. The break up was painful and bitter because the relationship had actually been dying for the last 3 years but knowing how stubborn I was, I kept on trying to fix it here and there till I had no stamina left to keep it going. Letting this go was a great struggle yet something inside me told me that it’s time to let go.Then while trying to live my broken hearted life normally, almost a year after the break up, I lost my father. He died during napping at home. Now I lost two most respectable men in my life. What could be worse than that?
A few months later, still in mourning and brokenhearted mode, something happened in the place I work and I had to face the most outrageous office politics. I could no longer recognize friends and colleagues from back stabbers. And I had no energy left to juggle between professionalism and some group’s dirty office drama. No matter how hard I tried to recall the nice things happened during my employment there I still couldn’t find the appetite to stay. I even remembered how enthusiastic I was when I joined the company. That day, my head was full of promising dreams and I was so sure I would work there for a long long time. And this too didn’t successfully make me stay. I was exhausted. I felt so worn out in hanging on to all of these things. This too had showed me that some things didn’t always turn out as I planned. On October 2010, with no plan on future job at hands or whatsoever, I handed out my resignation letter which shocked not only the whole management but also my family and friends.
The first thought came up when I woke up one morning on my first ‘unemployed’ day was this: I need to heal myself. So I dedicate the first three months allowing my self to let out all the repressed emotions. I allowed myself to grief for the loss of my father, my failing romance and my failing career. I let out huge amount of anger, self-pity, disappointments, resentment and still this well of emotions seems bottomless. The more I let it out the more I was shown. I let out anger and resentment then I found sadness. Later when I let out sadness I found disappointments. And all this things didn’t come only from recent hurts. I realized some painful memories from my childhood also came to the surface. Geez… so I’ve been storing them all within all this time.
Three months for sure is not enough. When I realize I had too much to keep inside, I decided not to put deadlines for this healing process. The emotional release and painful memories resurfacing had led me to depression, anxiety and panic attacks. It made me feel so insecure even to leave the house by my self. I was so sure that I needed to be treated in a ward. But God is still good and life is still loving even in the most tormenting life transformation like this, I’m still blessed with few loving souls who understand what I’ve been through. They didn’t think I got insane. They thought I’ve been through some life transformation process or spiritual emergency. I’m blessed with supportive people who among others are a psychologist, an intuitive healer, a visual art teacher. They teach me to meditate to calm myself, they help me using art as an outlet, they motivate me to keep on living no matter how hard it gets. I’m blessed with a family who patiently taking care of me and treat me like a normal person while I myself felt almost crazy due to the depressing internal turmoil. They all help me to accept and love myself as I am and life as it is. I’m still blessed with some freelancing jobs that can be done from home. I feel as if God wanted my healing process to be as convenient as possible.
So now here I am. Feeling much better and always feel thankful for every single ups and downs in my days, knowing it’s part of the healing process and it’s all well. Even though it’s slow, but in the slowness itself I can see many tiny nuances and miracles appear along the way. So what would I become in the next five years? I don’t know and I don’t really care :)
