The Word Love

Don’t we give too much credit for the word ‘love’? Recently I find myself in a state of infatuated by an old flame. I’ve spent years trying to define the feelings I have for this person. Yet love seems overrated when it juxtaposes with infatuation. Being so human, I realize I have the tendency to jump quickly into a conclusion and calling such feelings as love. Before I write further, let me just break down what kind of feelings I have whenever I interact with this old flame. 

As far as I can remember this particular person’s “hi” can always draw a wide smile not only in my heart but literally in my face. And it lasts for days. And I usually end up feeling sick because of the butterflies I feel in my tummy that also can last up to three days. And if we got a chance to talk or even meet up I usually feel this wave of energy that can instantly turn me from a lazy bump into an energizer bunny. It’s almost feel like you were a rocket launched to the sky in a speed of sound. Or to make it less dramatic, you can think of fireworks. That’s how I feel whenever I talk to him on the phone or on the line. And if this happens, you can expect to see me jumping, dancing and singing in my room. I got no choice. The chemistry is too strong and the energy is too overwhelming that if I just sit through it I could explode like a grenade.

With the fireworks and all, a close friend and I agree to name this kind of feelings the independence-day-celebration-feelings. Alright we reach that point now, naming the feelings. This is definitely not a mere crush for I’ve been feeling like this for more than a decade. But to jump into conclusion by naming it love, I find it too much because I only see him once in a while and not to mention that our relationship is dominated only with cozy conversations and passionate make outs. Unlike with my ex boyfriend, I realize I grow no compassion or affection towards this old flame.

In a rough, it’s the convenience of companionship that glues us together and the sex is just a bonus. Once I actually tried to consider this feeling as love. Then look what I made myself into. I ended up lost in confusion for the image of the ideal love in my head didn’t seem to match the reality in front of my eyes. For me, to label some feelings as love, I need to feel among others these things below:

1. I need to feel loved
2. I need to feel compassion and affection toward the person
3. I need to need him and feel needed
4. I need to feel accepted the way I am
5. I need to be able to see him as my future husband or the father of my future kids
6. I need to feel okay with his best and worst

And yes, I still believe in love that gives you the magical sensation right away when you interact with that person (highlight this: interacting, not just by gazing into each other’s eyes). I mean, I'm aware that there are times when love can be grown and nurtured but personally I choose to believe something effortless is meant to be.

Back to the check list. The reality only gives me number 4&5, the rest remain absence until now. So, I become more careful in labeling feelings as love. But shall we put the blame on the limited verbal expression that we humans become so get used to call any kind of extra ordinarily pleasant feelings we have toward the opposite gender as love?

So yeah, I guess I will stick with the independence-day-celebration-feelings. For me, it's somehow lighter than love yet it explains the whole bodily and emotional sensation I experience. Who knows it might also safe me from a whole lot heart-breaking-drama caused by the misleading assumption towards love.

Personality Profile of Dame

Personality Profile of Dame

The Loner in Me

It's been almost a year since I start working from home. What I love the most from quitting office life is the plenty of time I have in my hands to spend with my own self. Being alone with the self may be a scary thing for some people. But for me, it's just like a golden opportunity to explore and get to know myself better. I can even say that I become busier when being left alone as I will try to experiment with so many things and start to make use all the skills and knowledge I have. By being alone I have the chance to dig in deeper and meet the part of me who is an intuitive artist, the dancer, the chef, the animal lover, the whimsy and many other talented characters that have been left unknown all this time due to the hustle and bustle of daily life. 

Lately, I've been faced with the side of me that is easily annoyed and distracted by the presence of bunch of people.This annoyance has been going on for quite sometimes and somewhat makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Then I decided to sit and question myself, what is it actually that has been bugging me whenever I'm intensely interacting with some people.

So I dig in the most private territory of my self. The soft spot where honesty is highly required. Why? because I decide to explore some weak spot of mine. And there I meet myself who is a loner. I never thought I have this side in myself, knowing I can do well working and socializing in a large group of people and I also enjoy attending gatherings and parties. Then again, like I said, honesty is highly required here. A large group of acquaintances doesn't justify anything in me. I try to recall some socializing patterns I have since I was small.Yes, I do have many friends and they also enjoy my company but let's see how many of them can be categorized as close friends? The number will not be more than 10. And yes I do enjoy attending parties and gathering. But let's be honest here, how long I can stand hanging around in one's party or a gathering? I have to admit, I usually excuse myself after spending two hours there. The more I can admit this to myself, the more I can recall so many indicators that relate to this loner of me.

I’m not that kind of person who enjoys interacting with a large group of friends. As far as I can remember, since in the elementary school I only kept one or three at the most companion a.k.a best friends around. And one is actually sufficient enough for me to function normally in life. So with this very small number of best friends, I’ve been living life quite joyfully like you can imagine. From the outside, people may think I have so many friends and live an active social life. You can expect to meet me hanging out with four to six people at a café on Friday afternoon or attending a community gathering in a cozy dining place along with the other 20 persons on some Saturday morning. In addition to that, you can also expect to see more than 500 people in my facebook friend list. All of these can easily make people think that I’m enjoying the crowd. Well, that’s not the case. I do have a lot of friends and know many people who also happen to be social butterflies but that doesn’t mean I’m one of them.

The real person inside is quite an introvert and sensitive. She has too much going on already in her head thus being in a crowd with such stimuli can at least exhaust her or lead her to anxiety attack at the worst. She would prefer to spend her time mostly by herself and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like people. She enjoys a companion or two and would prefer hanging out with those who appreciate the balance of talking and listening. She would love to spend time with friends who can mind their own business and just enjoy each others’ company without having to be trapped in an endless complicated conversation or to change her role from a friend into a therapist.

So here I am. Getting to know the loner in me. Not an easy thing for I've been living believing that I'm just like any other people who enjoy the crowds and thinking that a successful social life is one that is merry and noisy. No worries, it's just a matter of self acceptance. And I believe this journey within will only bring me the highest goods and take me closer to my true self and then what else can you ask more from life?