The Word Love

Don’t we give too much credit for the word ‘love’? Recently I find myself in a state of infatuated by an old flame. I’ve spent years trying to define the feelings I have for this person. Yet love seems overrated when it juxtaposes with infatuation. Being so human, I realize I have the tendency to jump quickly into a conclusion and calling such feelings as love. Before I write further, let me just break down what kind of feelings I have whenever I interact with this old flame. 

As far as I can remember this particular person’s “hi” can always draw a wide smile not only in my heart but literally in my face. And it lasts for days. And I usually end up feeling sick because of the butterflies I feel in my tummy that also can last up to three days. And if we got a chance to talk or even meet up I usually feel this wave of energy that can instantly turn me from a lazy bump into an energizer bunny. It’s almost feel like you were a rocket launched to the sky in a speed of sound. Or to make it less dramatic, you can think of fireworks. That’s how I feel whenever I talk to him on the phone or on the line. And if this happens, you can expect to see me jumping, dancing and singing in my room. I got no choice. The chemistry is too strong and the energy is too overwhelming that if I just sit through it I could explode like a grenade.

With the fireworks and all, a close friend and I agree to name this kind of feelings the independence-day-celebration-feelings. Alright we reach that point now, naming the feelings. This is definitely not a mere crush for I’ve been feeling like this for more than a decade. But to jump into conclusion by naming it love, I find it too much because I only see him once in a while and not to mention that our relationship is dominated only with cozy conversations and passionate make outs. Unlike with my ex boyfriend, I realize I grow no compassion or affection towards this old flame.

In a rough, it’s the convenience of companionship that glues us together and the sex is just a bonus. Once I actually tried to consider this feeling as love. Then look what I made myself into. I ended up lost in confusion for the image of the ideal love in my head didn’t seem to match the reality in front of my eyes. For me, to label some feelings as love, I need to feel among others these things below:

1. I need to feel loved
2. I need to feel compassion and affection toward the person
3. I need to need him and feel needed
4. I need to feel accepted the way I am
5. I need to be able to see him as my future husband or the father of my future kids
6. I need to feel okay with his best and worst

And yes, I still believe in love that gives you the magical sensation right away when you interact with that person (highlight this: interacting, not just by gazing into each other’s eyes). I mean, I'm aware that there are times when love can be grown and nurtured but personally I choose to believe something effortless is meant to be.

Back to the check list. The reality only gives me number 4&5, the rest remain absence until now. So, I become more careful in labeling feelings as love. But shall we put the blame on the limited verbal expression that we humans become so get used to call any kind of extra ordinarily pleasant feelings we have toward the opposite gender as love?

So yeah, I guess I will stick with the independence-day-celebration-feelings. For me, it's somehow lighter than love yet it explains the whole bodily and emotional sensation I experience. Who knows it might also safe me from a whole lot heart-breaking-drama caused by the misleading assumption towards love.