The Loner in Me

It's been almost a year since I start working from home. What I love the most from quitting office life is the plenty of time I have in my hands to spend with my own self. Being alone with the self may be a scary thing for some people. But for me, it's just like a golden opportunity to explore and get to know myself better. I can even say that I become busier when being left alone as I will try to experiment with so many things and start to make use all the skills and knowledge I have. By being alone I have the chance to dig in deeper and meet the part of me who is an intuitive artist, the dancer, the chef, the animal lover, the whimsy and many other talented characters that have been left unknown all this time due to the hustle and bustle of daily life. 

Lately, I've been faced with the side of me that is easily annoyed and distracted by the presence of bunch of people.This annoyance has been going on for quite sometimes and somewhat makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Then I decided to sit and question myself, what is it actually that has been bugging me whenever I'm intensely interacting with some people.

So I dig in the most private territory of my self. The soft spot where honesty is highly required. Why? because I decide to explore some weak spot of mine. And there I meet myself who is a loner. I never thought I have this side in myself, knowing I can do well working and socializing in a large group of people and I also enjoy attending gatherings and parties. Then again, like I said, honesty is highly required here. A large group of acquaintances doesn't justify anything in me. I try to recall some socializing patterns I have since I was small.Yes, I do have many friends and they also enjoy my company but let's see how many of them can be categorized as close friends? The number will not be more than 10. And yes I do enjoy attending parties and gathering. But let's be honest here, how long I can stand hanging around in one's party or a gathering? I have to admit, I usually excuse myself after spending two hours there. The more I can admit this to myself, the more I can recall so many indicators that relate to this loner of me.

I’m not that kind of person who enjoys interacting with a large group of friends. As far as I can remember, since in the elementary school I only kept one or three at the most companion a.k.a best friends around. And one is actually sufficient enough for me to function normally in life. So with this very small number of best friends, I’ve been living life quite joyfully like you can imagine. From the outside, people may think I have so many friends and live an active social life. You can expect to meet me hanging out with four to six people at a café on Friday afternoon or attending a community gathering in a cozy dining place along with the other 20 persons on some Saturday morning. In addition to that, you can also expect to see more than 500 people in my facebook friend list. All of these can easily make people think that I’m enjoying the crowd. Well, that’s not the case. I do have a lot of friends and know many people who also happen to be social butterflies but that doesn’t mean I’m one of them.

The real person inside is quite an introvert and sensitive. She has too much going on already in her head thus being in a crowd with such stimuli can at least exhaust her or lead her to anxiety attack at the worst. She would prefer to spend her time mostly by herself and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like people. She enjoys a companion or two and would prefer hanging out with those who appreciate the balance of talking and listening. She would love to spend time with friends who can mind their own business and just enjoy each others’ company without having to be trapped in an endless complicated conversation or to change her role from a friend into a therapist.

So here I am. Getting to know the loner in me. Not an easy thing for I've been living believing that I'm just like any other people who enjoy the crowds and thinking that a successful social life is one that is merry and noisy. No worries, it's just a matter of self acceptance. And I believe this journey within will only bring me the highest goods and take me closer to my true self and then what else can you ask more from life?