On Love - Paulo Coelho

“… love is still the strongest force, one that can transform us forever.
But at the same time we feel afraid. Surrendering completely to love, be it human or divine, means giving up everything, including our own well-being or our ability to make decisions. It means loving in the deepest sense of the word.
The truth is that we don’t want to be saved in the way God has chosen; we want to keep absolute control over our every step, to be fully conscious of our decisions, to be capable of choosing the object of our devotion.
It isn’t like that with love— it arrives, moves in, and starts directing everything. Only very strong souls allow themselves to be swept along.”
—
Paulo Coelho in "The Witch of Portobello"

When I Let Myself Go

It's been a tough time for me and I guess for many people. Don't ask me how I know this :)

Oh well, and like most times when I just have to go through it, I usually give myself an hour every day to let go of anything that bothers or annoys me. Since I'm not used to openly express myself  then I have this tendency to suppress any bothering emotions inside. So I hope by spending a little time every day to safely let those emotions out can prevent me from being a walking time bomb.

Sometimes, I will spare an hour in the morning just to let myself feel bad about everything including myself. Then if I'm lucky enough, I will have a good cry afterwards and this will bring great relief to the heaviness I feel inside. Or if I don't have much time to be alone in the morning, anytime during the day I can just play my favorite song, turn up the volume a little bit louder than usual then grab a paper and some crayons, color pencils or acrylic paints -- all in the hope that the suppressed emotions can just flow out of my systems through my creativity.  Actually there are many ways to release the tensions, but my favorites have always been painting, journaling and dancing.

Lately, I feel drawn to paint than doing other stuff in expressing myself. Funny that even when I paint I find myself still resisting to let go. I realize even when I paint, I will unconsciously try to paint something pretty or at least nice to see. I never know that letting go of myself can be this hard. 

So yesterday, in the middle of painting a woman figure on a huge paper, suddenly I felt fed up of myself. I felt tired of myself who never stops trying to paint prettily, who always resists to paint care freely and experiment with unusual colors and shapes for fear of creating something hideous.

Then I thought, so what. The next thing I knew, I painted no longer using my brushes but my palms and fingers. And it felt sooooo good. The feeling was so glorious and liberating. It made me want to scream to the world I just don't care anymore!

So, here's the-not-so-pretty-anymore-painting from me :)

It may not look pretty but it makes me feel pretty inside :)

It Makes Us One Big Family

I live only with my mom in our big house. There used to be the five of us but now there are only two of us, me and my mom. My Dad passed away last year and earlier this year my sister took a job outside the city. And as a married man, my brother lives with his wife in their own house not far from ours.  

With three bedrooms and a large yard, this house has surely become so spacey now. Luckily I work at home so my mom doesn’t feel too alone in this house. And how about me? Do I feel lonely living in a big house like this? Spending my days doing house chores, taking care of my mom who is now not so mobile anymore, tending the plants and trees in our large yard, petting my two adorable and loving cats, and doing my stuff may make me look like a busy bee who doesn’t socialize much. And that also means I spend less and less time hanging out with friends. Do I feel lonely living like this? Surprisingly and thankfully not.  

I realize I’m surrounded with many loving people that regularly connect with me and generously share their lovely moments. At least once a week, one of my best friends will come over for an afternoon coffee or dinner. And once in a while even without a special occasion I would invite them over. I feel so blessed that even if we don’t have time to meet up, we still talk on the phone or chat in the internet. And I’m so thankful to be able to keep in touch with them in many ways. Bless the technology. It diminishes the distant that separates people from each other. 

Rara's

Just before I wrote this entry, I chatted with one of my close friends. Although it’s weekend and it’s a family day, she’s still willing to help me with some proofreading works. And while we chatted about work, she sent me some pics of her daughter’s drawing. She told me that they had fun making some drawings with color pencils. It melted my heart. Family good times always melt my heart. And this is not the first time she shares her daily stuff with me while chatting with me in the internet. Sometimes she even lets her 7-year-old little girl types down some words to chat with me or says hi to me on the phone. 

And just like her, another girl friend would call me just to share how her newly bloomed flowers smell so nice. Or to share how she felt so peaceful sitting by the beach in the middle of the night during her solo holiday and she would then put the phone on the sand for some seconds to let me hear the soothing sound of the ocean wave.  

My friend's (Rara's mom)

Another dear friend would proudly send me the pictures of her creative works and share with me her excitement about her expanding arts and crafts business.  And likewise, I like sharing my daily simple pleasures with them. I often send them the pictures of my recent paintings or the copy of my writings or even small stuff like a cookie recipe and pictures of my kitties.  Yes, we do share moments to each other.  

One of my simple pleasures

 

Sharing good moments like that makes life merry. And not only that, it makes us one big family.

Osho on Meditation

Do the small things of life with a relaxed awareness. When you are eating, eat totally--chew totally, taste totally, smell totally. Touch your bread, feel the texture. Smell the bread, smell the flavor. Chew it, let it dissolve into your being, and remain conscious--and you are meditating. And then meditation is not separate from life.

Whenever meditation is separate from life, something is wrong. It becomes life-negative. Then one starts thinking of going to a monastery or to a Himalayan cave. Then one wants to escape from life, because life seems to be a distraction from meditation.

Life is not a distraction, life is an occasion for meditation.

(Taken from The Transformation Tarot)

Cheerio, Lovely!

That patterns in the clouds tell me

It's no longer use for you to wait

All alone by the sea

When the tide will be friendly

 

It's not how it works, Cherrie

So stop waiting and just start sailing

The tide will never be your kind of friendly

But it will make your boat even more sturdy

 

The summer night's breeze whispers to me

It's time, Dearie

Fear not the darkness

Befriend the unknown

Embrace the depth 

For only in d dark will you find your stars

For only with the unknown will your wings expand

and for only in the depth will you realize that you are unbound

 

Cheerio, Lovely!

Dive in deeper

Soar up higher

Dance away your dance

Sing aloud your song

Worry not 

you got the whole universe by your side  

Jakarta, 29.10.2011

It Was A Privilege

From sindianavisions.files.wordpress.com

This morning, a close friend of mine popped up in a window chat asking if I could cook. To my surprise, her question brought me to the memory of my late father. I remember that the first time I tried to serve food was for my family’s breakfast, around a month before my father passed away. I remember trying this French toast recipe and had him taste them. He liked them so much that I served him French toast for breakfast for the whole week.

All these times, I’ve heard that those who are close to 'departing' will show changes in behavior; ‘hints’ that they are saying good-byes. This behavioral change was also shown by my father. About a month before he passed away, he became less and less grumpy. And he smiled often, even toward the simplest pleasures. It was almost like he suddenly transform into someone who was so easy to please. 

 
I remember taking a glimpse of him sitting on the terrace, only to enjoy the afternoon breeze. Unlike usual, that particular time, I didn’t find any trace of worries on his face. And the closer he reached his time, the more attentive and sweeter he became. Every single morning, about a week before he 'moved on', he would stand in front of my bedroom door, just to see what I was doing. As clueless as I was, I felt slightly annoyed being watched like that. I reminisce the one morning I eventually asked him what he was up to. He just smiled and said “I just wanna see what my daughter’s doing this morning and check if there’s still something in your room that I can fix...”

The day finally arrived. I remember on that morning, I tried a new recipe for his breakfast. That time, it was Indonesian traditional food. I asked him to watch Nat Geo while he accompanied me cooking. Normally, he would refuse watching international TV channels since he is only familiar with Bahasa Indonesia. However, that morning, as he smiled and sat behind me, he turned the TV on and watched Nat Geo. Not a single complain or cynical comment went out from his account. Funny, because he would usually do this every time he watched a show in languages he understood not. He seemed to enjoy the show, and later I even heard him laughed. It was like a dream. I have always been longing that kind of father-daughter moment.

On the afternoon, he sat on his favorite chair in front of my bedroom door while reading newspaper. I heard him calling my name and said “I don’t feel well. I will take a nap for a moment.” I knew he hasn’t been so well for the past 2 weeks. Often, he said that he got exhausted easily, along with a slight pain felt in his chest. Still, however, he refused to see the doctor as if he has made up his mind to depart soon. That afternoon, I took him to bed and once again asked him to see the doctor. He refused and said “No need. I don’t think it’s necessary.”

When I walked out his room, he told me to leave the door open (another unusual thing).

Around 15 minutes later, I heard my sister running to my father’s room. Then she called me and my mom as well. Apparently because my sis’ room was the closest room from my father’s, she could hear that my father was snoring strangely. He gave out a long and loud snoring sound and his eyes was half opened. She thought that he was choked during sleep, so she came rushing to wake him up. There I saw her trying to wake him up gently. No respond. She looked at me and I could see fear on her eyes. I tried to wake him up as well. Still no respond. We could hear him exhaled a very long sigh. It was his last breath. My heart sank, but I couldn’t feel any sadness. It was heartbreaking to see that the body in front of me contained no soul anymore. It was heartbreaking to see those half opened eyes had their sparks taken away from them. But it was a privilege to witness his departing. It was a privilege to close his eyes, close his mouth, and listen to his last breath. I still feel so grateful to be given the opportunity to be at his side until his very last moments. For me, it was another father-daughter moment.

Again

It’s you again

I thought I’ve locked you up

I thought I’ve buried you deep down

It seems you got bored easily these days

That you keep popping up and creating so much

The same old stuff again

I thought you’ve told me that people change

I thought you’ve chosen to cold heartedly change

Yet it seems you kinda miss your oldies

That you start wishing you had a time machine

That kind of feelings again

The one that used to create a lovely chaos within

I thought I’ve mastered my own being

I thought I’ve built these defenses to the ceiling

Yet your single glimpse turns out to be so intimidating

That I find myself always surrendering

It’s us again

Playing around defying time and space

Fooling around denying fact and fate

Over a decade like lovers in arcade

It’s you and I detouring the maze

You Alone Are Enough

You can stop showing off how happy you are when you’re actually not, stop trying to prove the world that you are worthy, stop boasting over your achievements just to seek people’s approval, stop putting that smile while you don’t feel like smiling in your heart, stop being nice to every one while you still struggle to love your self, stop running here and there to fill the emptiness inside, stop trying to fit in, just stop that right here right now.  You alone are enough. You are the one you need the most.

When Life Teaches Me to Bend

Do you have plan for the next 5 or 10 years from now? What is your goal for the next 5 years? What do you want to be? What have you been doing in order to get there?

When I was in my mid twenties, I could provide long answers to those questions. I would excitedly – in a story telling manner— tell my plans, my goals and my efforts in order to achieve my dreams. It used to be a long narration, very thorough, full of emotion and for sure it always had perfectly happy endings.

Now, on the way to get 30 within one month, the same Qs most likely to be answered with a smile and a short ‘I don’t know’. Not because I’ve lost hope along the way of getting older, but simply because I’ve made my own preference in how I live my life.

This preference is the result of the endless struggle of one high achiever that had been living her days to the fullest (according to her). Day by day colored with a long-list dreams waiting to be fulfilled, strategic plans on how to gain much more from life and although 80% of her desires were already at her hands still she wanted more form life…oh yeah she’s one ambitious and a meany life exploiter. She knew she’s good at it. She knew if she pushed her self to the limit she could even own the planet. Friends adored her achievement and hard works. Her courage and unlimited talents made a job hopping from one to another world wide company a piece of cake. There was no single company that was not on the top list of international business player listed in her CV. Employers put their trust on her shoulders. She enjoyed the acknowledgement. She enjoyed the fam and glam in the world of power.  She was having a ball for some 5 continuous years until some life-changing events happened from one to another. She started experiencing the low tides of life and slowly but sure she hit the bottom.

Funny the way life teaches this stubborn soul to bend. I then realize that some things in life can’t be tamed. There are things in life that are beyond my control. This life changing event started with the breaking up of my 6 years relationship with I-thought-the-best boyfriend-I-ever-had. The break up was painful and bitter because the relationship had actually been dying for the last 3 years but knowing how stubborn I was, I kept on trying to fix it here and there till I had no stamina left to keep it going. Letting this go was a great struggle yet something inside me told me that it’s time to let go.Then while trying to live my broken hearted life normally, almost a year after the break up, I lost my father. He died during napping at home. Now I lost two most respectable men in my life. What could be worse than that?

A few months later, still in mourning and brokenhearted mode, something happened in the place I work and I had to face the most outrageous office politics. I could no longer recognize friends and colleagues from back stabbers. And I had no energy left to juggle between professionalism and some group’s dirty office drama. No matter how hard I tried to recall the nice things happened during my employment there I still couldn’t find the appetite to stay.  I even remembered how enthusiastic I was when I joined the company. That day, my head was full of promising dreams and I was so sure I would work there for a long long time. And this too didn’t successfully make me stay. I was exhausted. I felt so worn out in hanging on to all of these things. This too had showed me that some things didn’t always turn out as I planned. On October 2010, with no plan on future job at hands or whatsoever, I handed out my resignation letter which shocked not only the whole management but also my family and friends.

The first thought came up when I woke up one morning on my first ‘unemployed’ day was this: I need to heal myself. So I dedicate the first three months allowing my self to let out all the repressed emotions. I allowed myself to grief for the loss of my father, my failing romance and my failing career. I let out huge amount of anger, self-pity, disappointments, resentment and still this well of emotions seems bottomless. The more I let it out the more I was shown. I let out anger and resentment then I found sadness. Later when I let out sadness I found disappointments. And all this things didn’t come only from recent hurts. I realized some painful memories from my childhood also came to the surface. Geez… so I’ve been storing them all within all this time.

Three months for sure is not enough. When I realize I had too much to keep inside, I decided not to put deadlines for this healing process. The emotional release and painful memories resurfacing had led me to depression, anxiety and panic attacks. It made me feel so insecure even to leave the house by my self. I was so sure that I needed to be treated in a ward. But God is still good and life is still loving even in the most tormenting life transformation like this, I’m still blessed with few loving souls who understand what I’ve been through. They didn’t think I got insane. They thought I’ve been through some life transformation process or spiritual emergency. I’m blessed with supportive people who among others are a psychologist, an intuitive healer, a visual art teacher. They teach me to meditate to calm myself, they help me using art as an outlet, they motivate me to keep on living no matter how hard it gets. I’m blessed with a family who patiently taking care of me and treat me like a normal person while I myself felt almost crazy due to the depressing internal turmoil. They all help me to accept and love myself as I am and life as it is. I’m still blessed with some freelancing jobs that can be done from home. I feel as if God wanted my healing process to be as convenient as possible.

So now here I am. Feeling much better and always feel thankful for every single ups and downs in my days, knowing it’s part of the healing process and it’s all well.  Even though it’s slow, but in the slowness itself I can see many tiny nuances and miracles appear along the way. So what would I become in the next five years? I don’t know and I don’t really care :)

Dearest

Dearest,

Tahukah kau kuselalu mengamatimu

Menikmati bayangmu

Dari tempat terjauh

Di sudut terpojok dan relung terdalam

Antara dua dunia

Tempat mimpi kita bertemu

Dearest,

Tahukah kau kuselalu merindu

Dengan hasrat yang tak sedikitpun pernah padam

Meski satu dekade telah berlalu

Meski jarak terus terentang tanpa hiraukan piluku

Dearest,

Tahukah kau hatiku bertalu

Hanya dengan kau tatapkan wajahmu

Atau bisikkan namaku

Atau sebaris kata di layar maya

Dearest,

Kutakkan bisa hentikan perputaran ini

Seperti mentari yang rindukan rembulan

Yang takkan pernah bersanding di satu dunia

Kutau kaupun mecumbu bayangku

Jakarta, 1 Oktober 2011

The Word Love

Don’t we give too much credit for the word ‘love’? Recently I find myself in a state of infatuated by an old flame. I’ve spent years trying to define the feelings I have for this person. Yet love seems overrated when it juxtaposes with infatuation. Being so human, I realize I have the tendency to jump quickly into a conclusion and calling such feelings as love. Before I write further, let me just break down what kind of feelings I have whenever I interact with this old flame. 

As far as I can remember this particular person’s “hi” can always draw a wide smile not only in my heart but literally in my face. And it lasts for days. And I usually end up feeling sick because of the butterflies I feel in my tummy that also can last up to three days. And if we got a chance to talk or even meet up I usually feel this wave of energy that can instantly turn me from a lazy bump into an energizer bunny. It’s almost feel like you were a rocket launched to the sky in a speed of sound. Or to make it less dramatic, you can think of fireworks. That’s how I feel whenever I talk to him on the phone or on the line. And if this happens, you can expect to see me jumping, dancing and singing in my room. I got no choice. The chemistry is too strong and the energy is too overwhelming that if I just sit through it I could explode like a grenade.

With the fireworks and all, a close friend and I agree to name this kind of feelings the independence-day-celebration-feelings. Alright we reach that point now, naming the feelings. This is definitely not a mere crush for I’ve been feeling like this for more than a decade. But to jump into conclusion by naming it love, I find it too much because I only see him once in a while and not to mention that our relationship is dominated only with cozy conversations and passionate make outs. Unlike with my ex boyfriend, I realize I grow no compassion or affection towards this old flame.

In a rough, it’s the convenience of companionship that glues us together and the sex is just a bonus. Once I actually tried to consider this feeling as love. Then look what I made myself into. I ended up lost in confusion for the image of the ideal love in my head didn’t seem to match the reality in front of my eyes. For me, to label some feelings as love, I need to feel among others these things below:

1. I need to feel loved
2. I need to feel compassion and affection toward the person
3. I need to need him and feel needed
4. I need to feel accepted the way I am
5. I need to be able to see him as my future husband or the father of my future kids
6. I need to feel okay with his best and worst

And yes, I still believe in love that gives you the magical sensation right away when you interact with that person (highlight this: interacting, not just by gazing into each other’s eyes). I mean, I'm aware that there are times when love can be grown and nurtured but personally I choose to believe something effortless is meant to be.

Back to the check list. The reality only gives me number 4&5, the rest remain absence until now. So, I become more careful in labeling feelings as love. But shall we put the blame on the limited verbal expression that we humans become so get used to call any kind of extra ordinarily pleasant feelings we have toward the opposite gender as love?

So yeah, I guess I will stick with the independence-day-celebration-feelings. For me, it's somehow lighter than love yet it explains the whole bodily and emotional sensation I experience. Who knows it might also safe me from a whole lot heart-breaking-drama caused by the misleading assumption towards love.

Personality Profile of Dame

Personality Profile of Dame

The Loner in Me

It's been almost a year since I start working from home. What I love the most from quitting office life is the plenty of time I have in my hands to spend with my own self. Being alone with the self may be a scary thing for some people. But for me, it's just like a golden opportunity to explore and get to know myself better. I can even say that I become busier when being left alone as I will try to experiment with so many things and start to make use all the skills and knowledge I have. By being alone I have the chance to dig in deeper and meet the part of me who is an intuitive artist, the dancer, the chef, the animal lover, the whimsy and many other talented characters that have been left unknown all this time due to the hustle and bustle of daily life. 

Lately, I've been faced with the side of me that is easily annoyed and distracted by the presence of bunch of people.This annoyance has been going on for quite sometimes and somewhat makes me feel so overwhelmed and anxious. Then I decided to sit and question myself, what is it actually that has been bugging me whenever I'm intensely interacting with some people.

So I dig in the most private territory of my self. The soft spot where honesty is highly required. Why? because I decide to explore some weak spot of mine. And there I meet myself who is a loner. I never thought I have this side in myself, knowing I can do well working and socializing in a large group of people and I also enjoy attending gatherings and parties. Then again, like I said, honesty is highly required here. A large group of acquaintances doesn't justify anything in me. I try to recall some socializing patterns I have since I was small.Yes, I do have many friends and they also enjoy my company but let's see how many of them can be categorized as close friends? The number will not be more than 10. And yes I do enjoy attending parties and gathering. But let's be honest here, how long I can stand hanging around in one's party or a gathering? I have to admit, I usually excuse myself after spending two hours there. The more I can admit this to myself, the more I can recall so many indicators that relate to this loner of me.

I’m not that kind of person who enjoys interacting with a large group of friends. As far as I can remember, since in the elementary school I only kept one or three at the most companion a.k.a best friends around. And one is actually sufficient enough for me to function normally in life. So with this very small number of best friends, I’ve been living life quite joyfully like you can imagine. From the outside, people may think I have so many friends and live an active social life. You can expect to meet me hanging out with four to six people at a café on Friday afternoon or attending a community gathering in a cozy dining place along with the other 20 persons on some Saturday morning. In addition to that, you can also expect to see more than 500 people in my facebook friend list. All of these can easily make people think that I’m enjoying the crowd. Well, that’s not the case. I do have a lot of friends and know many people who also happen to be social butterflies but that doesn’t mean I’m one of them.

The real person inside is quite an introvert and sensitive. She has too much going on already in her head thus being in a crowd with such stimuli can at least exhaust her or lead her to anxiety attack at the worst. She would prefer to spend her time mostly by herself and that doesn’t mean she doesn’t like people. She enjoys a companion or two and would prefer hanging out with those who appreciate the balance of talking and listening. She would love to spend time with friends who can mind their own business and just enjoy each others’ company without having to be trapped in an endless complicated conversation or to change her role from a friend into a therapist.

So here I am. Getting to know the loner in me. Not an easy thing for I've been living believing that I'm just like any other people who enjoy the crowds and thinking that a successful social life is one that is merry and noisy. No worries, it's just a matter of self acceptance. And I believe this journey within will only bring me the highest goods and take me closer to my true self and then what else can you ask more from life?

Tentang Ditinggalkan

Seorang teman berkeluh di sela isak tangisnya

aku tak pernah mengerti kenapa ada orang yang bisa putuskan hubungan begitu saja...
sakit sekali rasanya dihindari oleh orang yang sangat kau sayangi..

Biasanya aku diam...seperti yang sudah-sudah saat dia menangis terisak seperti gadis kecil. Biasanya aku diam...seperti yang sudah-sudah saat dia lontarkan tanya yang tak butuh jawaban, saat kekecewaan terdalamnya terkuak liar dan tak mampu dia redam. Biasanya aku diam...seperti yang sudah-sudah ketika dia butuh telinga dan hati manusia untuk telanjangi resahnya.

Tapi kali ini tanya itu kujawab pelan dan sangat hati-hati. Batinku ingin gadis kecil itu tahu siapa dirinya. Sudah saatnya luka itu dihadapi agar bisa terobati. Sudah saatnya air mata itu dipersembahkan untuk hal yang lebih mulia.

Ini jawabku:
Aku pernah tinggalkan orang-orang yang kusayang tanpa ucapan selamat tinggal. Yang aku tahu, aku lakukan hal itu karena tak tahan dengan penderitaan yang kurasakan. Tak tahan dengan sakitnya tak bisa mencinta dengan penuh, selalu terantai oleh luka masa lalu yang menunggu maafku. Maka kuputuskan untuk pergi dan 'bebaskan' orang-orang tersayang itu dan semoga suatu hari nanti, aku layak jadi orang tersayang mereka...tanpa luka, tanpa beban lagi.

Jadi sayang, biarlah ini jadi tangis terakhirmu. Karena kuharap kamu mengerti, bukan cuma kamu yang menderita di sini. Kuharap terpikir di benakmu, bisa jadi dia dua kali lebih menderita...karena tak hanya harus paksa dirinya tuk tinggalkanmu, tapi juga harus hadapi luka-luka masa lalunya yang mengantri untuk dimaafkan.


you can't love when you don't love yourself

My Favorite Bible Quote

And for this reason I say to you, do not be anxious for your life, as to what you shall eat, or what you shall drink; nor for your body, as to what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single cubit to his life span? And why are you anxious about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that even Solomon in all of his glory did not clothe himself like one of these. But if God so arrays the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more do so for you, O men of little faith? Do not be anxious then, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "With what shall we clothe ourselves?" For all of these things the gentile eagerly seek; for your heavenly father knows that you need of all of these things. But seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness; and all of these things shall be added unto you.

Jesus of Nazareth

Mengenali Esensinya

You know you are friends when your heart can see each other’s true colors passing through every  layer of the ego-made masks.

Satu pelajaran yang saya petik di malam minggu lalu adalah esensi manusia tak pernah berubah. Sifat boleh bertransformasi, perilaku boleh berubah, penampilan selalu bisa berganti namun esensinya tak pernah luntur oleh waktu. Saya tak tahu istilah yang lebih baik lagi untuk menggambarkan karakter yang paling mendasar ini selain dengan kata esensi. Seperti sidik jari manusia, sejak lahir sampai dia menutup mata, esensinya akan tetap sama. Terus terang ini hal baru buat saya karena saya selalu berpikir manusia berubah. Hidup selalu bisa membuat seseorang menjadi lebih manis atau sebaliknya. Waktupun begitu.  Namun ternyata tidak juga.

Ote adalah salah satu sahabat saya. Dia teman lama saya. Dulu saat masih kuliah, kami dekat dan sudah seperti saudara. Saya tahu betul dia dan begitu juga sebaliknya. Kita sama-sama tahu pahit manisnya kehidupan yang kita masing-masing lalui. Persahabatanpun bukan cuma manisnya saja, banyak pahit dan pedih kami rasakan. Pertengkaran juga dari yang mogok bicara 3 harian sampai yang paling dramatis seperti sinetronpun pernah kami lalui. Tapi kami tetap saja tak kapok berteman. Ote orang yang unik. Dengan tampilan luar yang sangat mengintimidasi dan nyentrik, tak banyak orang tahu kalau dia sebenernya manusia dengan tingkat kepedean yang hampir rata dengan tanah. Dia sangat sering merasa tak berguna, tak dimengerti dan tak-tak yang lainnya.

Selepas lulus kuliah, saya langsung bekerja, sementara dia meneruskan kuliah di bidang yang dia sukai. Seiring waktu dan karena kesibukan kami masing-masing, saya dan dia makin jarang bertemu dan berkomunikasi. Makin jarang lagi karena setelah dia bekerja, saya mulai merasa kepribadiannya berubah. Menurut saya, Ote jadi “bossy”, kasar, dingin  dan tak berempati seperti dulu. Saya seperti berhadapan dengan tembok. Entah kemana Ote yang dulu. Apa begitu dahsyatnya kekuatan kekuasaan seperti uang dan posisi serta pergaulan hingga bisa membekukan kemanusiaan seorang manusia, begitu batin saya.  Saya jadi malas bicara sama dia bahkan hanya dengan maksud menyapa menanyakan kabar lewat messenger atau sms. Malas karena beberapa kali saya sapa ,dia menjawab singkat-singkat seperti orang yang malas bicara. Dan kalau saya tanyakan kenapa dia begitu, dia jadi galak dan menjawab sibuk. Dia pikir saya juga ga sibuk apa? , batin saya…

Kalau sudah begitu saya malas bicara lebih lanjut karena nantinya hanya bikin sakit hati. Berubah sudah sahabat yang satu ini, saya pasrah.  Meski pedih, life must go on, anggap saja seleksi alam, nanti juga dapat lagi gantinya yang sesuai, batin saya lagi...

Sabtu pagi itu, di luar kebiasaannya, dia menyapa melalui Blackberry  Messenger (BBM). Dia tanya apa saya punya rencana keluar hari itu. Saya jawab singkat, “ga ada. Mau santai aja di rumah. Kenapa?”

Seperti biasa, BBM saya dijawab dengan keheningan. Menyebalkan. Saya tanya lagi “Mau ke rumah?”

Baru dia jawab iya. Sekitar jam 10 habis sarapan katanya. Saya balas “kasih tau ya kalo udah otw.”

Dia jawab “yea sure”. Sombongnya.

Jam 11 dia sampai. Lusuh luar biasa. Tas kerja di tangan kanan, tas laptop di tangan kiri, jaket tergantung di pundak, kaos hitam, celana jeans ketat, kacamata hitam dan topi. Hari itu memang sangat terik jadi ya sangat wajar kalau kostum dia menyempurnakan penderitaan yang disebabkan udara Jakarta akhir-akhir ini.

Saya persilakan dia masuk langsung ke kamar. Dia kepanasan, saya nyalakan ac  kamar. Dia masih bisu sambil kipas2 panik, saya tawarkan apa dia mau ganti baju.  Saya agak kaget dengan perilaku saya sendiri. Terlepas dari kekesalan yang dia sebabkan karena perubahan sikapnya, saya tetap nyaman atas kehadirannya. Rasanya seperti kedatangan keluarga sendiri. Jujur saya senang bertemu dia lagi.

Pertemuan yang tadinya saya kira akan dingin dan tak nyaman ternyata tidak sama sekali. 10 jam dia ada di rumah saya dan selama itu banyak gelak tawa datang dari arah kamar saya. Rasanya sudah lama sekali tidak terbahak selepas ini. Rasanya sudah lama sekali tidak konyol-konyolan seperti orang yang lupa umur. Ote memang berubah. Dia sudah semakin percaya diri, semakin tahu apa yang dia mau. Dia juga tampak makin tenang meski saya yakin dia juga babak belur mengendalikan emosinya  itu. Banyak yang berubah di dirinya dan sudah pasti di diri saya juga. Tapi tiap kali kami menatap mata satu dan lainnya kami kenal esensi dibalik “atribut” kami. Lebam dan memar yang kami dapat sepanjang menjalani hidup ini tak mampu tutupi esensi itu.  Dan saya rasa, beginilah harusnya seseorang ‘melihat’ orang lain. Melihat melampaui lapisan label-label buatan masyarakat, topeng-topeng emosi, dan kabut pemikiran idealisme.

When You Forget Who You Really Are

A Cosmic Darling

She's a cosmic darling
She's a princess of light
Though She knew She could live like one
She chose not a tale that bright
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's made of d purest love
Though she understood that nature
She chose not a trait of innocence
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's a dear to Loved Ones with many names
Though She never doubt nor second questioned it
She chose to be wounded
 
She's a cosmic darling
She embodies heavenly gifts
Though She was thankful for it
She chose to deny it
 
She's a cosmic darling
She has this pair of majestic wings
Though She knew there's no sky too high to fly
She chose not to soar to crawl
 
She's a cosmic darling
She loved the choices She made
And Loved Ones agreed to play the villains
And Universe lovingly co-created the set
gently provided the time and space
And Guardians compassionately assisted Her
Removing almost all memories of Her true self
So She could play Her new role to her best
Expand and stretch to the max
And the Source witnessed all
From the beginning to the end
From the time She was conceived
And the time She made those choices
To the time She lives her role
And the time She returns home
 
She's a cosmic darling
She's a princess of light
Though Her choices are not for the soft heart
Though Her story is far from a tale of rosy
Though the oblivion seems endless
We all know someday she will remember
who She really is
When the time has come
When Loved Ones put off their masks
When Guardians show themselves
When She returns to a place called home
When the Source and She becomes one

In Memoriam Of Him

Me and my father during Idul Fitri. I was about 3yrs old

I wish I could feel your kiss one more. I wish I could still kiss your hand so you know you own my highest respect. I wish I never took you so seriously. I wish I just let down my pride and let my self laugh to all your jokes. I wish I let you hug me. I wish I hugged you more often. I wish I could say that I’m always proud of you. I wish I could say yes to all of your requests. I wish you knew how I always enjoy traveling just with you. I wish you knew you were like a hero to me. I wish you knew you never an old man to my eyes. I wish you knew I never meant to hurt you. I wish you knew how much I always try to make you proud of me and happy. I wish you knew all this, dear father. And I wish you were here

Ketika Saya Hanya Melihat Ke Luar

Tuhan dan alam semesta selalu punya cara untuk buktikan pada kita bahwa kita dicintai. Setidaknya itu yang selalu saya rasakan. Mungkin banyak orang kaget jika tahu kalimat ini meluncur dari dalam hati saya. Saya tak salahkan kekagetan itu. Saya mengerti tak sedikit orang yang memiliki first impression atau bahkan second, third dan seterusnya tak begitu manis tentang saya. Jika bisa dipersentasekan secara subjektif kira-kira akan seperti ini:

50% berimpresi saya sebagai perempuan judes ,galak, pemarah yang lebih sering terlihat heavyhearted atau bahkan ‘dark’

30% berimpresi saya adalah perempuan sombong, penyendiri dan punya aura mengintimidasi

10% berimpresi saya adalah perempuan manja, kekanak-kanakkan, tak punya tata krama

10%  berimpresi saya adalah perempuan unik yang punya pikiran jauh lebih dewasa dari umur saya, menenangkan, perasa, penyayang, pemberani, pemimpi.

Dan sudah pasti, ketiga urutan teratas sangat ingin saya berubah menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik. Sayapun mengerti itu. Mungkin kalau saya dihadapkan dengan seseorang seperti diri saya, saya juga masuk di salah satu ketiga urutan itu. Sebegitu banyaknya orang yang mengharuskan saya merubah diri agar bisa jadi orang yang seseuai selera mereka, sebegitu besarnya jumlah orang yang menganggap saya terlalu banyak memiliki sifat negatif hingga saya percaya saya bukan orang yang menyenangkan. Saya percaya bahwa saya penuh dengan kegetiran, amarah, kekecewaan, iri hati, dan kompleks. Saya percaya bahwa saya adalah sosok dengan pribadi yang sulit. Kepercayaan ini mungkin sudah tertanam sejak kecil namun baru 3 tahun terakhir ini sepertinya hidup ingin saya menyadari bahwa false belief ini sudah sangat kronis. Kenapa saya bilang false? Ya karena ternyata semua keliru. Ternyata meski secara kuantitas impresi yang buruk-buruk tadi cukup besar, secara kualitas tak berarti apa-apa.

Hari ini, seperti hari-hari lainnya saat saya merasa hidup saya terjun bebas atau terpuruk, lagi-lagi Tuhan dan semesta dengan cara uniknya mengingatkan saya bahwa diri saya tak seburuk itu. Caranya memang ada-ada saja. Dimulai dari pagi hening yang saya nikmati bersama kucing kesayangan ditemani secangkir teh manis panas di ruang tamu. Pagi ini hujan deras, saya memutar lagu ceria untuk membangkitkan semangat. Mendadak saya mendengar suara pintu mobil di depan rumah ditutup. Saya tahu itu mobil tetangga namun entah kenapa pagi ini dalam hati saya spontan berkata “ah..papa sudah pulang.” Untuk sepersekian detik saya merasa kemurungan saya hilang, saya menoleh ke pagar dan sadar…papa saya kan sudah meninggal.  Tanpa saya sangka, saat itu juga air mata saya bergulir sederas hujan di luar. Ini bukan tangisan sedih. Ini tangisan haru karena untuk beberapa detik saya merasa beliau benar-benar ada dan sangat dekat…dan saya hampir yakin, beliau ada untuk saya. Saya  berterima kasih pada Tuhan. Di keheningan saya berbisik, “Papa, terima kasih sudah datang. Ria janji akan kuat. Ria akan baik-baik aja.”

Puas menangis karena haru dan rindu. Saya memutuskan untuk yoga. Meski separuh hati karena sedang tidak enak badan, saya paksakan juga. Anehnya pagi ini kedua kucing saya yang saling bermusuhan sama-sama masuk ke kamar dan duduk tenang di sisi kanan dan di depan saya. Mereka berpose ala Sphinx, sangat tenang dan rileks mengawasi saya. Dan ternyata ditengah-tengah yoga saya berpikir yang tidak-tidak hingga lupa bernapas teratur dan menjadi pusing. Melihat kedua kucing ini pikiran saya kembali ke momen ini. Saya merasa dijaga.

Lalu di sore hari, seorang sobat lama online di yahoo messenger. Kami jarang sekali bisa bertemu secara online karena kesibukan kami masing-masing. Sore ini  kami ngobrol tapi kali ini saya lebih banyak mendengarkan. Kali ini bukan karena ingin beratensi, namun lebih karena tak ingin cerita tentang keadaan hidup yang menurut saya tak patut dibanggakan. Sobat saya ini meski tahu keadaan saya, dia seperti tak memerdulikannya.

Kata-kata pertama yang dia ketik adalah “I’m reading your blog! Luv it! I always love ur writing. It just gets better with time like wine they say.”

“I thought your writing are very soothing to read.  U have this serene atmosphere in ur writing. It doesn’t sound desperate or pathetic at all. It’s just very mature and wise. I cannot sense anger at all …no.. if I can say it, I think you’ve healed, forgiven and loving ur self each moment. Very peaceful.  Like…unicorn. “

Dan saya balas dengan ikon senyuman. Dia bukan orang yang suka basa basi. Dia orang yang kejujurannya juga bisa terdengar brutal. Yang buruk akan dibilang buruk dan yang baik akan dibilangnya baik. Jadi ketika dia katakan ini semua…ya…seperti ada perban sejuk diletakkan di seluruh tubuh yang penuh memar ini.

Dia adalah salah satu orang di kelompok persentase terbawah. Dalam keadaan saya seburuk apapun, dia adalah salah satu dari sedikit orang yang bisa melihat diri saya seperti Tuhan dan semesta melihat saya. Penuh cinta yang tak terkondisikan, penuh maaf. Ketika saya terlalu sering melihat ke luar dan terlalu banyak mendengarkan kata orang hingga lupa siapa saya sebenarnya seperti saat ini, saya dibantuNya untuk ingat. Melalui sahabat saya dan hal lain yang terjadi hari ini, saya ingat lagi…betapapun terasa beratnya beban hidup, saya adalah jiwa yang cahayanya tak akan pernah padam. Jiwa yang dicintai dan dijaga hidupnya. Jiwa yang sempurna dan berharga. Dan semoga pengalaman ini nantinya dapat membuat saya melihat diri saya dan juga orang lain seperti Tuhan melihat saya. Penuh cinta yang tak terkondisikan.